I could tell you I sat home alone all Memorial day awaiting the premiere of week 3 but that would be a a crock of shit as I did no such thing. Like any good American, I spent the day out of the cubicle slugging Budwesier down my gullet. After powering through my 8-5 duties this past Tuesday-dehydrated, tired and mostly having to poop the entire day, I sat down and did my due diligence to bring the people what they’ve been screaming for: Hard hitting reports of the Bachelorette. I’ll be honest, I am a little behind on what is actually happening as I have been cutting out about an hour early each week as my tolerance of the show runs thin.

Evidently, I was informed some of the characters on this show I actively have been talking poop about have been sent home. So, here is an updated list of who has been axed this far.

Joey Jones



Jonathan Saunders



Tyler Gowzdz



Cam Ayla



Thank god the aspiring slim shady was finally put to rest. I don’t know how much of America wanted to hear his sick rhythm and rhyme but the Jockeys had enough. So did Hannah evidently.

                                 Key Points so you don’t actually have to watch this shit

  • The show begins with some sort of baby/birth simulation. In all seriousness, what in the sweet f**k is going on???
  • I mean birth does look like a a shit ton of pain but have you ever had a boner in jeans????
  • Our girl Hannah Bannana starts questioning Luke P’s love and confidence. Maybe he is not the prince that was promised!?
  • Despite Hannah’s warning to Luke, Like a puppy in timeout, Luke continues his pursuit of destruction. The Self destruction of Luke is foreshadowing heavy this week.
  • Hannah and Mike have a very in depth and personal convo while Cam (Slim Shady) rudely interrupting. Hannah is displeased and Cam looks like a total ass hat. The final straw for the arithmetic artist. ” Whenever you guys wrap up, I’ll be outside.” 
  • Well, well, well how the turns tables. After interrupting Mike, Cam now gets interrupting by another contestant whose name really isn’t that important.
  • John Paul Jones play with some chicken nuggets in an awkward group date
  • Group date time: The guys take sensual pictures with animals.
  • Cam tells hannah he is an onion. ” I have lots of layers.” nothing gets a women turned on like the fresh smell of an onion patch.
  • Mike tells Hannah that Cam told her a sad story to get a pity rose. Can you feel the tension? You could cut it with a knife. This shit’s worse than keeping up with the Kardashian’s.
  • Cam is let go by Hannah. no no no no no no god no. Who cares. Although he does have a medical condition which is sad.
  • Hannah kisses 6 guys. Is anyone worried about Mono? Maybe mouth herpes? What about scurvy?

There you have it. The recap of the worlds most compelling show because that is what this country has come to. Reality TV. Stay tuned for next week.