The calendar has hit the heated month of August which meant it was time for a new lease. My battle-scarred veteran roomies could no longer reside at the Titz Carlton. They needed to depart and finally become real human beings. Like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, they needed to blossom. But me? Who was I to hold them back? The Titz was evil, but a necessary evil. They moved on and I stayed behind. My work was not yet done. The best part about moving is the final walk thru. Typically, this is a time where the owner walks through the home, jots down a few scratches here and there and both parties move on with their respective lives. If you think this story has that sort of ending…. then you haven’t been paying attention.


Luckily I was actually not present for this walk thru, I was In Purdue for some bullshit collegiate conference but let me tell you, the email we all received took the winds right out of my sails. See below.

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I hadn’t even opened the 50 page word document attached but the word court was already mentioned. Never thought of myself as a man capable of splitting the atom but I knew what lied in that word document…. doom.


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Let’s play some Q and A landlord.

” I can’t understand how you could have broken the front door frame.”

It was busted in during a party. sorry. 

“Breaking the Formica off the countertops… you cimply can’t have people sitting on them…”

They were not sitting, they were standing on them. 

” This home was destroyed in a two year period.

Eat Shit

Now the fun part, show me the money!!!!!!!

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The Night King, our Landlord bent us over the barrel and showed us the 50 states. The way he picked this home apart you’d think he owned the Ritz Carlton.

In fairness, sure, some shit in the house was destroyed. No denying that. Yet, he neglected to ponder, the house itself was a shithole, something you sentence murderers and pillagers to live in, a real life Guantanamo bay. Prison if you will.


So, what were the boys to do. Cave into this tyrant? Nay. Sometimes, in rare moments in history…. heroes will arise. Rare moments in history will reach out its devine hand offering you a chance to defy the odds and spit in the devils face. When good men do nothing, evil flourishes. We had no intention of allowing our landlord to flourish any longer. we took option B and walked into court with our landlord, locked and loaded.

Stay tuned for next weeks court date. While you’re at it, check out our newest Park Rat apparel just in time for the blistering summers of Fort Myers. Great for drinking on the roof, diving head first into above ground pools and pissing of your landlord. Take 25% off your order today only. Use code “Landlord”  at checkout.

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Written by Clarky