Oh my stars and gander, can you friggin believe it!? It’s week 4 of America’s most absurd televised show, The Bachelorette. My early season predictions of Alabama native, Hannah departing the show to wed her cousin has yet to happen but there still is time! Weeks 1-3 have come and gone. We’ve seen tears, we’ve seen male birth simulators and we’ve seen Hannah elude mono despite kissing 15 men. What will we see next!????? Below is a timeline of the events that transpired for those of you who missed this weeks ghastly episode.
Pre-game Thoughts- I’d like to point out that the jacked idiot, Luke is dangerously close to blowing a bigger lead than the Night King did at the battle of Winterfell. Had ultimate control of this season to be the front runner until last week. Let’s see how this bozo fairs.
8:00- The guys start off playing rugby. A change of pace since last weeks male birth simulation. None of them really appear to be all that great but at the end of the day, Matt Damon and 0.1 percent of the population has ever played rugby… so who gives a shit.
8:10- This episode appears to be hyping up the battle of the Luke’s. Which Luke will come out victorious??? Like highlander, there can only be one.
8:15 Oh shit, Strong Luke just body slammed the other Luke. The game now ends due to an over abundance of male induced testosterone. Nature vs Nurture. Nature always wins. Rip his f****ng head off Luke! finally some interesting shit’s happening.
8:20- The guys get mad at Luke for his aggressive body slam. He defends himself. He loves Hannah that’s why he did it. He also says the other Luke (2) doesn’t give a poop about here. Where’s jerry springer when you need him!?
8:45 It’s cocktail hour as if there wasn’t enough cocks in this show already. Luke’s battle it out via Ernest Hemmingway this time. Using words. “I’m sorry you feel that way, because I love you and respect you and would love to be your best friend forever.”
9:00 John Paul Jones, remember that idiot? Get’s a lock of hair cut off by Hannah. Cool.
Pretty much Hannah kisses some more dudes, they go on weird dates and that’s about it.
However, cliffhanger. Hannah calls both Luke’s into the principals office at the end of the episode. Someone is going home!!!
I need to watch the Blues beat the Bruins, I’ll catch the highlights tomorrow.
Stay tuned for next week’s recap from a guys POV.