A satire based segment on why your team sucks.
Starting off in the Dewey Decimal based alphabetical order, comes our first victim. What better way to kick off this shit show by shaming last years laughing stock, the Arizona Cardinals. The dumpster fire out in the desert is burning oh so bright these days.
1. Why you suck: Quarterbacks
Carson Palmer, Blaine Gabbert, Sam Bradford and Josh Rosen. Since 2017, the Cardinals have had 4 starting quarterbacks. This past year, the Cardinals came to terms that prehistoric fossil Carson palmer was well past his prime. The 2018 draft would fix all the gaping problems under center. Enter Josh Rosen. ” Josh the chosen one.”Arguably, could have been taken at number 1. Yet, he slipped to number 10 and did not shy away from telling other teams how he really felt.
This kid is the future in the desert, the prince that was promised exclaimed all Cardinals fanatics.. One year behind veteran Sam Bradford and he’ll be ready to lead us to the promised land. Turns out, the suspiciousness everyone had that Bradford’s shoulder is actually made of play-doh was true. Rosen is now the starting quarterback.
Yikes. Not the rookie campaign you dream of when getting drafted but I imagine Arizona is not the destination you dream of either.
With the first pick of the 2019 draft, hailing from the Shire, The Arizona Cardinals select 5’4 Kyler Murray. The Cards are slowly becoming a door of revolving first round drafts, misguided signings and donkey shit management. Circa Cleveland Brown 2012-2017. Best of Luck Rosen, going 8-8 with the Dolphins while they are stuck in mediocracy sounds like a f*****ng blast.
With the first pick of the 2019 overall draft, at the towering height of 5 foot 4, the Arizona cardinals select Kyler Murray. The Cards are slowly becoming a door of revolving quarterbacks, misguided picks and poor management. Aka The Cleveland Browns circa 2012-2017. Goodbye Rosen, enjoy going 8-8 with the Dolphins for the next decade.
2. Why You Suck: Record
Total Wins: 550
Total Loses: 753
Post season record: 7-9
Super bowl Appearances: 1
Super Bowl Loses: 1
Super Bowl wins: 0
In fairness they did win one “league championship” in 1944 prior to joining the NFL.
3. Why you suck: You lost to Big Ben
Despite having Kurt Warner for your Cinderella super bowl story, you blew it to the Pittsburg Steelers and their 300 pound quarterback. You suck.
4. Why You Suck: Management
The Cardinals are in trouble. There is very little that points to a fruitful future anytime soon.
The core of this team consitents of creatasious period born Larry Fitzgerlald, David Johnson, another rookie quarterback and now, Stegosaurus Terell Suggs.
For a team clearly in rebuild, I don’t think they can figure out if they want to go full blown tank or sign a few over the hill veterans to help their team salvage 3-4 wins. The cards need to poke holes in that submarine and tank to the depths of the Arizona desert. They are 5 years way from making any noise whatsoever. The Cardinals have not been relevant since Bruce Arians in 2016 where they were blown out by Carolina 49-15 in the NFC Championship. That is the last time Arizona has seen some glimmer of hope, any beacon of light. With shitty management moves, drafting the same position in the first round two years running, signing Sam Bradford and over the hill players like Suggs……ownership has quietly taken this team from a Super bowl contender in 2015 to the LOL cow for the next few years to come.
Why you suck: Location
I can think of no worse place to get drafted to. Not only does your team have a very little track record of success, 0 Super Bowls and a bleak future for the next half decade but the place is hotter than the terrains of Libya. Imagine playing Football in a freaking dessert. In September the average temperature is 97.4 degrees.
” Congrats, you’ve been selected to the Arizona Cardinals. Welcome to Baghdad. Complimentary camel backs and SPF 60 sunscreen await you at your locker.”
Arizona also has shitty attendance, I imagine because it is much more relaxing to watch your team get shit pumped in a cool, air conditioned bar. They ranked 25th in 2018 for NFL attendance.
The Cardinals are going to stink this year, no doubt about it. However, they will shoot themselves in the foot and salvage 4, maybe 5 wins and snag themselves a 6th overall pick, good for another quarterback.
2019 Record prediction- 4-12
Next on the chop block, Matt Ryan and his Falcons. Thanks for all the memes in 2017.