Flashback to one sunny morning during my Sophomore year. My eyes struggle to open as I begin my fight against this monstrous hangover. The night before was a fraternity social, which must have been a blast because I woke up on a couch in an apartment that’s not my own. I can confirm it was a dorm room because it looked exactly like mine, but was actually clean, so couldn’t have been mine. At this point I don’t know who’s dorm I’m in or how I got there, but now is no time to solve a mystery. Duty calls.
I run to the bathroom and unload a belly full of toxic waste. It wasn’t violent but this poo carried on for a few minutes. While I sit there, I look around for clues. Herbal Essence shampoo, fruity lotion, hair ties and tampons. Holy shit. This is a girl’s dorm!
I’m slightly proud of myself that I ended up there but not happy I woke up on the couch. Also I’m becoming a little ashamed of what I’m currently doing in the bathroom. Luckily no one was home at the moment so I rush to clean up and get out. But just as I begin to wipe I hear the front door slam shut.
The coast is no longer clear. I hear them walk into their room and fumble around a bit. I could go out there and face the shame, thank them for being a lovely host, and boogey out of there with my dignity in tact. Maybe I’d even get them to tell me how I got there. A normal person would do that, but instead, I just sit there in silence and hope they don’t notice someone is in their bathroom.
I know I didn’t break in so I doubt they’d be mad, but I can’t imagine they’d be pleased with me lingering around and destroying their bathroom. I also can’t tell if it’s a girl or a guy. What if it’s someone’s boyfriend. The last thing he wants to see is some random dude hanging around his girlfriend’s dorm. I suddenly fear I’m in a Fight or Wipe Scenario so I remain silent.
After a few minutes of ruffling in their room, I hear them rush out and slam the front door behind them. It’s now or never. I wipe, grab my stuff and rush out. On the way I try to search for more clues like a picture or student ID laying around. Somehow I landed in the only girl’s dorm that didn’t decorate the whole place with pictures. I don’t have time to look around any more as she could return at any moment, so I leave without investigating further.
I never did fill in the gaps from the night before and to this day I have no idea who’s dorm I shit in.
Damn I miss college.