Yesterday as you well know, was fathers day. A glorious day where we can all come together and embrace the men who helped create us. I won’t get into the anatomy of how they helped create us as I imagine most of you took sex ed in the 8th grade. Like any boy, I called my father up yesterday, told him I Loved him and thanked him for all of his great accolades. After our phone call ceased, I thought to myself, man, I’ve really put my dad through some shit over the years. I pondered dialing him back up and apologizing for all of my swash-buckeling havoc I reaped over the years. However, one phone call couldn’t possibly convey all of my sorrow. What better way to express my regret than a simple blog post for the world to see?
Below is a timeline of signigiant events that may or may have not transpired where an apology may be due. This ones for you dad.
1996: When I was 4, we were watching the movie “Twister.” You had asked me to grab you a beer from the fridge. On my way back, I dropped the beer can onto your big toe. As a result, your nail broke. I learned a new word that day: “Shit.” I’m Sorry
1998: You gave me a hair cut in the garage while watching Braveheart. You cut my hair far too short. I did not look good. Mother was mad. I’m Sorry.
1999: I peed on the nighbors car becasue I did not like them. Nothing ever came of this but I just thought you should know. I’m sorry.
2003: I was ten years of age. I shot a hockey puck into our neighbors garage denting it. I felt zero remorse. You had to answer to my actions. Apologies. I’m sorry.
2004: This was the year I listended to Good Charlotte. The year I spiked my hair up as the rebelious little bitch I was. I wore wrist bands, vans and carried tech decks in my pocket. During the 5th grade talent show, I caused a “disturbance” with my punk rock attitude. You had to meet with the princibal on numerous occasions. I’m sorry.
2006: I wore an excessive amount of Aeropostale this year. This was not only costly for your wallet but for your reputation to be seen in this atrocity of a retail store.
2009: It’s sophomore year of high school. For some reason I thought it would be funny to dress up as a female for Halloween. This must have been confusing for you watching your 16 year old son cosplay it up. It’s just a phase dad! I’m sorry.
2010: While driving home from church one night, mother and yourself saw a group of young men streaking across the road in their underwear. Initially you thought one of the males looked suspiciously close to me. You questioned me. I responded no, I was at chick fila. I wasn’t dad. The male you spotted was in fact me. I was at underwear party. I’m sorry.
2011: I’d like to go ahead and apologize for the entire senior year, I won’t go into the details of my stupendous acts.
College was a wash.
- Going to court with my landlord
- setting the front lawn on fire
- running across the FGCU basketball court at halftime
- taking 5 years to graduate despite having a public relations major
- Throwing a kegger for my graduation party
- Owning a pet pig called Hercules.
Thanks for putting up with all my poop and being the greatest father I could ask for. Here’s to you big guy, have a beer, you earned it.
Categories: Cubicle Chatter