Ever since the beginning of time, the hard bod, chiseled abs and having biceps larger than the spread of HIV in the 80’s has been the popular choice amongst the lady folk. Due to MTV and Ryan Gossling, this has become the female’s eye candy. What society calls the six-pack. Men will spend all sorts of money on supplements, spend countless hours in the gym to achieve this glorified body. I achieved my six pack in less than an hour and it cost only $4.99.
Much like the Ebola outbreak, I’m hoping this fitness disease will fade as well. But what on God’s great green earth could be standing in the way of the six-pack? It’s what is rightfully referred to as the “dad body.”
Now, it’s not to be confused with being morbidly obese, but it’s not to be confused with being in shape by any means either. It’s that right in the middle of being overweight. Some girls refer to it as “just right.” Most do not.
“Once in shape, but clearly has lost most athletic properties. Best suited for sitting at a desk chair, possibly doing one’s taxes.” – Dad Bod
This is quite relevant to many young professionals and college students who traded in their athletic abilities for the taste of the good life and a cold beer. Heck, I once had a six-pack, but much like most of my future, that’s long behind me. Now, back to my original thesis, how is the “dad bod” taking over? Well, it’s quite simple: the six pack is just intimidating and outright scary. Having a little extra cushion for the pushing is nothing to be ashamed of, nay, something to flaunt.
Reason No. 1:
For starters, it’s a sense of comfort for females. When a women sees you juiced up like you just swallowed a box of nails, you’re less approachable and frankly, a douchebag. Now ladies, imagine this: a slightly above-average man strolling through the office wearing a Hawaiian shirt and ever-so-slight gut poking out of it. You’re more inclined to approach that guy because he appears to be friendly, comfy and most important… confident in his look. I mean this is the guy you take home to meet your parents. Your dad loves him because most likely your dad has a matching torso and your mom adores him because she knows he’s obviously not spending all his time in the gym, so he must be spending it on you. This is what we call a win-win.
Dad bods 1 – Six pack 0.
Reason No. 2: Mr. Cuddles
Now I know most guys say they love to cuddle when using their tinder pickup lines, but most do not. However, a man who owns his body is always down to cuddle, mainly because he has to if he wants to get anywhere. Men with veins sticking out of their necks most likely won’t waste their time cuddling when they could be swallowing a serving of creatine. Would you rather cuddle with a teddy bear or a box of bricks?
Dad Bod 2 six pack:0
Reason No. 3: Confidence:
When you have a body of this magnitude, it’s a message to the world, nay, a middle finger to society that you absolutely don’t give a shit. You have accepted that life is short and you’re going to make the best of it. Everyday when you step out onto the ice, you defy science as you wiggle that backhander top shelf all the mean while, your gut overhanging in the wind. Double pistols, holster, celly.
This also shows how confident you are. If you’re confident enough to take your shirt off rocking that jumbly tummy of yours, you have the confidence to do just about anything. Fun fact: Take a look next time you’re at the beach; the majority of men with super-hot wives have a stomach. They also have diabetes.
Give up on your body. Your wiener will thank you.