Beach season is finally here. Unfortunately, your beach body is not. You promised yourself last year that this would be your year. You imagined yourself as king of the beach, strolling along with the shore with some Sports Illustrated type model. But the off-season has come and gone, and you’re still not in shape. In fact, you’re more likely to get confused for a beached whale than a beach king. It’s not for a lack of trying though.

You’ve tried every diet on the internet and followed all the workout plans your instagram influencers praise for getting them in shape. Obviously, you have a unique body with a slow metabolism or something that makes all these plans not work. But there’s one diet you haven’t tried: The Wisdom Tooth Diet.

If you’ve ever had your wisdom teeth removed, then you may already be familiar with this diet plan. You may also recall that during your recovery period, you lost about 10 pounds, so you can confirm its effectiveness.

If you for some reason still have your wisdom teeth, then let me fill you in. Basically, the surgery to remove your wisdom teeth leaves 4 huge holes in your mouth. Sounds painful because it definitely is, but the hard part is not over. You now have to make sure these wounds don’t get infected. How do you do that? Easy. For a solid week, you can only eat non solid foods, primarily jello and pudding.

If you look on the internet, professionals will say you can eat broths and other soft foods. But my personal preference was orange jello and Chocolate Vanilla pudding. For a week I ate only those snacks, and by the end I was lookin like a snack. I guess you really are what you eat.

Starving yourself is not the best option to getting in shape, so this is the next best thing. You won’t look buff but you may slim down a bit. Chances are your face will stay fat and you’ll look a little sick which can help your case when trying to convince people you actually had wisdom tooth surgery. If you’re lucky, you’ll even find an off duty nurse looking to heal a sick patient.

If that doesn’t work, then just hope there’s an off duty vet looking to take care of a sick whale.

Cowabunga! See ya at the beach.

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Silent Riot