Well, my mid twenties have come and gone. As of today, this dinosaur has turned 27. Back in my collegiate days, I used to scoff at elderly folks living responcible lives, working 9 to 5 jobs and being above the age of 23. Now, I’ve officially joined them. One of the cogs in the machine slaving away for the man. I had this odd sense that maybe 26 would be a trivial year for me. Perhaps get my body back into shape after I torpedoed my once sculpted body into a flabby alabaster jelly. Instead I obtained 5 stitches to the chin, one chipped tooth, fractured ankle, fractured ribs, dislocated shoulder, torn pectoral muscle and I thought I was having a heart attack the other day. turns out it was indegestion. This is what getting old feels like. You’re body starts shutting down on you. I am petrified what my body will do at 27.  It’s only been about 13 hours into the big 27 but let me tell you, I feel the age coming on like the gusts of a thousand winds. Everything is sagging more than it did yesterday. My eye lids, my chesticles, my overall moral and spirit are all hanging low. Gravity has initiated a battle with me and guess what? She’s winning.

I really shouldn’t be so melancholy on this day of birth. Sure, 27 sounds a lot older than 26 but I knew this day was coming. In reality, every birthday after 21 is essentially irrelevant. Yes, you’ve got a few that you can still use as an excuse to celebrate…

I’m feeling 22-cue the t swift and get drunk.

No one likes you when you’re 23-again, pretend like your 21.

24 is so irrelevant. Get drunk.

25-life gets really eccentric and you can rent a car. Hell yeah!

26-you get booted off your parents insurance.

Now I sit in my cubicle,working through my lunch to push this memoir out on a Tuesday at 27 years of age. This is exactly where I thought I’d be, eating birthday cake in my beige cubicle alone.

Anyways, in short, getting old sucks but I am here to fight back. After the sun goes down and my chores are done I am going to get adjusted to my new life as an elderly citizen.

Below are a few things I plan to accomplish on my journey in #Club27.

  • Eat Dinner at 6 pm. Getting old is all about sustaining a healthy blood sugar level. early dinners are essential for primal sleep.
  • Buy a disposable camera and take pictures of trees and other nature related shit.
  • Read meteorology reports to prepare for inclimate weather.
  • Ignore GPS in my smartphone. Old fashioned maps for this senior citizen.
  • Join a bingo team on Tuesdays. Can you say Taco Tuesday!
  • Send birthday cards to my friends with a check for $11
  • Purchase a landline telephone.
  • Watch Gilmore Girls re runs.
  • Make an excessive amount of casseroles and Jell-O. Jell-O is full of vitamins such as riboflavin which I will need to keep my elder bones intact.
  • Start writing in cursive.
  • never leave the house without sunscreen.
  • Have an excessive amount of long socks and Toffy.
  • sit at a booths in the diner despite it just being myself.
  • Using only change and writing checks for currency.
  • crossword puzzles
  • Sending thank you cards
  • Monitor my 401 K
  • member of Life Alert.
  • Go to the dentist every other week
  • Constantly use the phrase “back in my day” as I am so old.
  • Refer to younger people as “youths”
  • Drink Brandy,Gin and Tonics and olive juice
  • Shop at Ross
  • Pick out a headstone that says ” Lived life to the fullest. Laughed to the fullest. Ate to the fullest. His name was Clark The Shark.”

Here’s to 27, it may be my last.

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Written by Clarky