Welcome back to another segment of the House That broke me where all dreams come to an end. We are approaching our bitter end of this wretched saga with just 3 installments left. What’s on this week’s agenda?
Really living in the Titz Carlton is risky business. Have you ever heard of Murphy’s law? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. That was the theme of the house since it origins.
Once a year, the boys of San Carlos would open the flood gates and host a swaray. The theme? You guessed it, Risky business.
For those of you unaware, Risky Business is a popular theme amongst the collegiate youth which Is based off an 80’s movie starring Scientologist, Tom Cruise.p
Normally, this party was a smashing time for people of all sorts to come together and blow off some steam before the academic year kicked off. However, in the scourged August of 2014 all hell broke loose.
The party started off like any other, a barrel of deranged humans stormed through the gates dressed in white button downs, knock off ray bands glasses and oversized men’s boxers.
Then the questions commenced like an interrogation.
“I see you only have Natty light and some grey beer that says light on it.”- with a disgusted tone
Yes, that is the Costco off brand light beer. It’s complimentary of the house. Is there anything else I can do for you Ms. Pleasant?
“OMG can’t believe you guys have Grey Goose.”
It’s SKOL poured into a grey goose handle we found in our neighbors recycling bin.
“It’s so hot in this house can we turn down the AC?”
Turn down the AC!?? Oh my god how did I never think of that! There’s 400 people in the house Patricia and you’re in a oversized button-down. Sorry, this isn’t the Ritz.
“Will anyone be serving food later or some snacks?”
Sorry, for now its just the free venue and beverages but I will be serving up some of my world-famous Knuckle sandwiches later. Would you like one?
Throwing a party, it’s expected you’re going to get asked some dumb request so I typically would overlook the ideocracy that came with it. Again, when hosting an event, you have to allocate some damages as well. Broken beer bottle, couple paint touch ups, maybe a nicked cabinet.
It wasn’t until this night that I discovered the true destruction the human race can unleash.
It was like a slow-motion scene from a movie, felt like I was in the Matrix.
I walked through out the home to find 50 people jumping on the countertop which was not uncommon.
Then I glance over at Becky and Brittany twerking on the cabinets. Evidently they twerked so hard they ripped the entire cabinets off the wall and Becky went tumbling to the floor.
Next, I gaze over to the living room area where Lexi begins to rip all the cotton out of our beautiful red couch. I don’t know what purpose that served but I loved that couch.
Next lets gander into the lanai where some has is using my broken hockey stick to catch a rat demolishing everything in its way.
“Yeah get that rat! Who gives a shit about cracking the sliding glass door?”
Move on into the living room where someone is using the drywall as a personal punching bag- knocking holes into the wall. Thanks Ike Turner.
Scurry to the master bedroom where I witness a female using our laundry hamper (full of clothes) as a bathroom. I mean, we have two semi functional toilets and even a damn porty potty in the garage but yes, the laundry hamper is more appeasing.
Next the AC breaks because the house is not equipped to hold this vast amount of deranged humans. Oh and someone decided to use our outside ac unit as personal pork pad.
Next, I hear footsteps running on the roof. The inside has come to packed and 50 guests have taken it upon themselves to climb onto the roof.
Luckily, the roof never caved in but my soul did.
As I woke up the next day, walking through the aftermath of San Carlos parks project X I went to take a pee in the toilet. As I aimed my stream through the immense amount of throw up, something caught my eye. Something began to float to the top of the toilet… what is that? I grabbed a pair of tongs and to my discovery, it was an I Phone. Throw it in some rice and it’ll be back up to normal in no time.
This house is not real life.
It was this day I realized, I need to get the hell out of this house but nay, it was August and just signed my lease for another year.
Stay tuned for the last two chapters of The House that Broke me.
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