*Satire based article relating to the immaturity of Antonio Brown.
At the late age of 27, I have officially informed my employer of my intentions to retire if they cannot right the rocky ship they have created. Sure, you may have heard of all the hardships superstar receiver Antonio Brown is receiving but you have no idea the oppression I am going through. In case the scrolls of breaking news have not reached your ears, Antonio Brown is having a vigorous time adjusting to his new NFL mandated helmet. Sure, it’s newer, safer and just all around better but this man’s been using the same helmet for 15 years!!!!! Forget Antonio and his helmet issues, let’s talk about the real issue at hand. Despite being loyal for 3 and a half-moon’s at my company, they just out right did me in dirty.
I came into work on Monday, eager to do the good lords work and make all my customers glowing with joy. Yet, when I went to disperse my glorious roast of coffee, something was askew. As I raised that paper cup to my bubbling lips expecting the warm nutritious grinds to supple on my tongue like lava on a rock…. I was vastly disappointed. You see, for the past 3 years I have been having one flavor of coffee and one only… Dunkin Pumpkin Spice baby. Something about that warm rush of fall makes this little boy’s day. Instead, I tasted the despicable stale taste of knock off French mother f***ng roast!!! Are you shitting me! Was this a sick joke?
In an absolute rampage, I threw my piping hot cup of an excuse of coffee into the trash and marched into Martha’s office (office manager) raising hell.
“Look here you snotty nosed Biatch, where is my pumpkin spice latte!?”
“Oh, you didn’t get the memo I sent out? Corporate is no longer allowing us to order Dunkin or Starbucks coffee, it’s just too expensive.”
” Martha. I don’t care if you have to run up to Dunkin every day and get me the coffee I deserve. I won’t stand for this nonsense. You think this Green Mountain French roast is going to cut it around here?? I am the golden god of this place and I will get the coffee I damn well deserve. My vengeance will sweep across this office like the gusts of a thousand winds.”
Look, If Mr. Brown can cause a ruckus over something as minute as a helmet, I think I am allocated the right to threaten my retirement until I am awarded the eccentric coffee I deserve.
Your move corporate.
* 7 hours later
Evidently, I am rather replaceable and corporate called my bluff. I am now mandated 10 hours of employee harassment training and was demoted.
Don’t be a little bitch like Antonio, things change in the work place and you have to adapt to survive.
I do miss that damn Pumpkin Spice though.