Sexless In Seattle

The Great Hack

Those of you who have seen the Netflix documentary may think that this post is a review about the show or my own personal experience with how my data was used for advertising. I assure you, this is not the case. This is a breach of another kind.

Today I received an email from a group of “Iraqi hackers” who claimed to have hacked a porn site I visited and now have a video of me masturbating. I didn’t read the full message but it said something about posting somewhere if I didn’t pay them in bitcoin.

Strike 1. That was your first mistake bucko. This is America. We don’t negotiate with terrorists. I don’t care what video footage you think you have of me, there’s no way I’m paying you anything.

Strike 2. You’re threatening to post a sex tape of me on the internet, like that’s supposed to scare me? Again, let me remind you, this is America. The standard here is if you post a sex tape, you become famous. If you did any research at all, then you’d know from this blog that I hate my job and I’m ready to quit. Go ahead and post it so I can become Kardashian rich. Send me the link when you’re done and I’ll share it with all my friends and family.

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Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? You post a video of me masturbating to embarrass me? Dude, I’ve spent a majority of my life single, which means my technique is flawless. You post a video of me masturbating and I guarantee it’ll go viral for it’s educational content. They’ll start showing it in schools as part of the sex ed curriculum.

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Listen, I’m not trying to appear tough. I’m not Liam Neeson and I certainly won’t track you down with my particular set of skills. If anything, I’m grateful. I didn’t think my jerk sessions were worth as much as you’re trying to extort from me. Sure I should be worried or frightened, but actually, I’m just flattered.

Thank you.

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The Intern

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