Those of you who have seen the Netflix documentary may think that this post is a review about the show or my own personal experience with how my data was used for advertising. I assure you, this is not the case. This is a breach of another kind.
Today I received an email from a group of “Iraqi hackers” who claimed to have hacked a porn site I visited and now have a video of me masturbating. I didn’t read the full message but it said something about posting somewhere if I didn’t pay them in bitcoin.
Strike 1. That was your first mistake bucko. This is America. We don’t negotiate with terrorists. I don’t care what video footage you think you have of me, there’s no way I’m paying you anything.
Strike 2. You’re threatening to post a sex tape of me on the internet, like that’s supposed to scare me? Again, let me remind you, this is America. The standard here is if you post a sex tape, you become famous. If you did any research at all, then you’d know from this blog that I hate my job and I’m ready to quit. Go ahead and post it so I can become Kardashian rich. Send me the link when you’re done and I’ll share it with all my friends and family.
Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? You post a video of me masturbating to embarrass me? Dude, I’ve spent a majority of my life single, which means my technique is flawless. You post a video of me masturbating and I guarantee it’ll go viral for it’s educational content. They’ll start showing it in schools as part of the sex ed curriculum.
Listen, I’m not trying to appear tough. I’m not Liam Neeson and I certainly won’t track you down with my particular set of skills. If anything, I’m grateful. I didn’t think my jerk sessions were worth as much as you’re trying to extort from me. Sure I should be worried or frightened, but actually, I’m just flattered.
Categories: Sexless In Seattle