Your official guide to surviving the catastrophic winds of Dorian.

  • Turn off the news. It will frighten you into a state of emergency and you’ll turn into a freak.

  • Check your friends Facebook status’s for weather updates frequently as they are 100,000% accurate!

  • Stock up on Beer. We’re talking the cheap stuff. Keystone, Natty, Busch light. More than likely the power will go out and you will loose some ability to keep your beverages cold. No sense in wasting some west Coast IPA’s.

 

  • Buy White Claw. Don’t be fooled… hurricanes are a petrifying and you should be as drunk as possible to avoid reality.

 

  • Tito’s never hurt anyone. Stock up on that. Vodka tastes okay room temp
  • The grapes in red wine are elevated during turbulence. Grab a box of Franzia

 

  • Throw a party. The more people you are around, the less likely you’ll be worried that this storm could swallow you whole at any given minute.
  • Buy glow sticks. Nothing says a hurricane party like glow in the dark boner tag.
  • Make sure you are physically stronger than the person next to you in the room. If it comes down to survival, it’s essential that you can out muscle the person if needed. This is a last resort but still essential to your plan.
  • Make sure you have deodorant on hand. When the water runs out, you’re f**ked. Nobody likes the smelly kid.
  • Buy cigarettes. hurricanes can last weeks. I don’t personally smoke but if I’m trapped in a house with my 3 roommates for more than 32 hours I am going to need to pick up a habit.
  • Buy floaties. If in the event, your house becomes flooded with the polluted waters of Florida, you’re going to want a back up plan. Floaties are a practical and economical way to survive the floods.

 

  • If it does flood, Alligators, sharks and barracudas are likely to haunt the streets. Make sure you are trained to take down one of these cold blooded meat munchers. If not, pray for your dear life.
  • Make sure you have a game plan if things go south. I’m talking apocalypse. If all laws cease to exist, you need to be prepared. Join a local gang to gain protection. Much like prison, you need the numbers to avoid enslavement.

 

If you follow these detailed steps you have at least a 67% chance of making it out alive. You could also evacuate if these survival skills are not in your realm of expertise.

 

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Written by Clarky