I can’t give you 12 Million, but maybe an OTPHJ is in the cards.

Melvin Gordan is pulling off his best impersonation of 2018 Lev ‘eon Bell and refusing to show up until he is paid what he’s worth. I get it, running backs have a short lifespan in the NFL and making the most money you can in that short period is crucial. However, if I decided the entry level salary of 46k wasn’t cutting it and I took a sabbatical from work, I’d be fired. Sure, maybe Melvin is worth more than 5 mill or whatever the astronomical money he is making right now. Good lord, I couldn’t imagine being in a place where I felt financially set that I could leave millions of dollars on the table. Shit, If I’m not granted overtime one week I’m scraping pennies together just to make Thursdays $1 beers. Yet, that’s neither here nor there as this articles not about the sorrows of working an entry level job. It’s about one thing, Melvin Gordan’s contract holdout. Against my better judgment, I took a chance on you this year Melvin. Scooping you up in the 6th round, felt like a steal. I did research, where analysis predicted you’d report by week one and not pull off the selfless actions Mr. Bell did last season. Yet, here we are living a fantasy football dejavu nightmare. Here’s the deal man, I can’t get last place in my fantasy league. My friends are monsters and the punishment would be detrimental to my growth as a young man. I can’t give you the money you desire as I have far too many student loans and live in a shack with my two college roommates. Below are 5 lucrative offers that just might make you come to your senses and trot back onto that field. I’m counting on you Melvin, come through for me.

  1. An OTPHJ

Really, a lost art in modern society. In a world so consumed with sexualizing everything, the OTPHJ is often forgotten. No, I wouldn’t be able to issue this for you directly but Patriots Owner Robert Kraft knows a nice little place in Jupiter Florida where they take real good care of you. Think about it.

2. A limited edition Carolina Panthers Keyshawn Johnson Jersey

Who was your favorite receiver growing up? Was it Keyshawn? Personally, he wasn’t mine either but in 2006, ya boy played for my Kitty Kats and guess who got his jersey? Again, not me but I do see one on Ebay! https://www.ebay.com/itm/Reebok-NFL-Carolina-Panthers-Keyshawn-Johnson-19-BLACK-Jersey-Size-48-ALL-SEWN/273968259454?hash=item3fc9c7e17e:g:REsAAOSwAUJdVgX

3. Mint conditioned Blue eyes White Dragon Yugio card

Honestly, I really think of you more as a Pokémon kid growing up but I correct me if I’m wrong.. Something tells me you had a little bit of a wild side and dabbled in some Yugio?Stop the contract hold out if I’m wrong. I don’t have it personally but my best friend from 3rd grade at Berkley manor elementary did and he was a real weirdo so odds are, he still has it. I got the hook up.

4. My neighbors Cat

Alright, this is a tough one for me but I am willing to offer up “Milo” my neighbors feline. Yes, he’s 17 years old, at the tail end of his life but he has the spirit of a young bottle nosed dolphin. If you can get past the lazy eye, rotten teeth, scraggly hair and brittle claws, Milo is all yours.

5. A copy of Nicolas Cage’s ” The Wicker Man”

Just a real Cage classic. If that doesn’t get your ass back on the field, then we’ve lost you.

Melvin, in all seriousness I need you, I can’t pretend to be a mime at an upcoming wedding because I took a gamble on you. Do the right thing and score 3 touchdowns per week.