Cam Newton looked like the scary lunch lady you had in middle school… but he failed to scare the Buc’s.Last week, my Kitty Kats stumbled mightily and dropped to 0-2. Be that as it may, we are at the dawn of a new Sunday approaching and despite my last memoir, I’m fairly positive. Positive we’re going to win Sunday? No, positive this season is on the brink of disaster and we need to unload the tank and snag up that freak from Alabama, Tua.

But then, the news came out. Cameron Newton misses Practice. OMG where could he be??? Searching a local charlottarian hipster shop for his next Game day outfit? A day at the Spa to get his head right? Nay, none of the above.

” Cam Newton has reaggravated his foot.”

The same foot he f***ed up in pre season because Ron Rivera just needed him to play one drive. Newton joined the immense list of quarterbacks to get injured this season. Luck (retired) Brees (6 weeks) Big Ben (season) Sam Darnold ( Mono from locker room showers) Newton( TBD) Trevor Siemeon (season) Eli Manning (Benched) Nick Foles (Season)

We’re heading into week three and those are the notable names already injured, retired or benched. What a time to be alive. I never want to root for any opposing player getting hurt but I’d be lying to you if my ears didn’t perk up just a little to hear Drew Brees would miss time. The quarterback who has haunted the Kats since 2004 has made our corner backs look like they have AIDS every Sunday. The long and short of it is, the Saints are butthole without their prized possession.

Here’s how the division looks currently

Tampa Bay 1-1

Atlanta Falcons 1-1

Saints 1-1

Panthers 0-2

Now that Bree’s is out of the mix for at least 6 games, regardless of what you may hear from nay Sayers (ESPN, New York Times, anyone with mental clarity, etc.) we have a chance!

The Buc’s have the Giants this week who are pretty horrible but then again, so are the Bucs. The Falcons slate off against the Colt’s which is a tough matchup despite Luck retiring to go work on an Amish farm. The Saints have the Seahawks… chalk that up as a loss. Which leads us to the Kitty’s. ARIZONA.

Arizona does look better under their rookie QB but they still look pretty bad. This is a chance Panther nation, a chance to take advantage of New Orleans’s misfortune. Sure, Newton is hurt but right now, he is no state to be playing football and honestly I’m pretty stoked he’s not playing Sunday. We’d be 1-1 if he got hurt the week before. Kyle Allen can lead our kitty kat’s to victory this Sunday.

” But oh, who the hell is Kyle Allen?”

Fun Fact!!!: He was Texas A&M’s starting QB in 2015 for 4 games. His back up? the first round pick of the 2019 draft and starter for Arizona, Kyler Murray. Kids got talent, he just has yet to have the chance to show it.

If we lose Sunday however, abandon all f***ng hope and tank to the abysmal depths of the NFC. Kats by 90, let’s MEOW!

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Written by Clarky