Food is probably the most consistent thing I have going on in my  life. Between working a high stress job and trying to manage that work, life, balance…… food is always there for me. Fast food, UBER Eats, Bite Squad and Pizza Hut delivery. All at the tip of my fingers for my robust belly to enjoy. I was downing some KFC the other day and noticed my good ole friend COL Sanders. For some odd reason, unknown to me, I pondered… could I beat the shit out of the COL? Probably not considering I am a towering 5’11 in sketcher shape ups. This abnormal thought had my mind running amuck of all the other food mascots and if I could beat them up. Below is a full list of Mascots and how I would fair against them. Grab yourself a slice of Pizza, heck maybe even a bowl of frosted flakes and enjoy.

The Green Giant- I would Die

 

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Good lord this would be a slaughter fest. This lean mean green machine would tower over me at 7 feet and his leafy biceps would crush this below average male. I don’t think I’d survive this one and would be embarrassed, shamed and 6 feet under in any sort of physical confrontation with the veggie man.

Gerby Baby- Win

 

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I’d beat the wheels off that infant. This is a no brainer. Just don’t ask me to change your diaper after.

The Yellow M&M- Win

 

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If this was the red or green, different story but this guy is the weakest of all the beautiful covered sweet treats that are M&M’s. This one’s a doozy.

Chester the Cheeto cheetah- Lose

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Never thought I’d ever get beat up by someone with the name Chester but He would kick my ass. End of story.

Tony The Tiger- Die

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Why are you even reading this. Are you kidding me? Tony wouldn’t just kick my ass, I’d need years of both physical and mental therapy as a result. Green Giant vs Tony that’s the real fight this country needs.

Chef Boyardee- Lose

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This is a tough one. Part of me based on appearances feels I’d could mop the floor with the Chef but the other part of me thinks this spicy chef can throw the hands. Toss of a coin but knowing my luck in life, I probably lose a close one.

Captain Crunch- Lose

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He’s named the captain for a reason and you’d be cruising for a brusin if you’re looking to tussle with his golden treasure.

Trix Rabbit- Lose

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I’ve always hated this guy. He thinks he’s so f****ng cool with his rabbit speed and long  ears but in reality, he’s a creep just trying to take high fructose syrup from children. That being said, he’s whoop me something awful.

Kool-Aide Guy- ASS KICKED

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This guy is easily the coolest dude on campus. Just shows up on a surf boards riding the wave of Kool Aide screaming OH YEAH at the top of his lungs. You can kick my ass as long as you give me some of your delicious red sugary concoction.

 

Burger King- Lose

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Again, another loss for Clarky. They don’t call him the King for nothing. Make no mistake, this guy can throw the hands and then shove a whopper down your throat and charge you $4.07 afterwards. Long live the King

 

Col Sanders- lose

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The man who initially sparked this article no one asked for. I thought long and hard about this one but I really think I’d fair well against the COL. For starters, he’d elderly and he’s a southern gentleman. I am weary of his cane which could be used as some sort of weaponry. It’s really a close call but I’m going to bet on the COL.

Lucky Charms- Win

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He’s 3 foot 3 and dressed in all green riding a rainbow. W.

Hamburger Helper Hand- Win

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I don’t even know why I put him in here, maybe to boost my confidence. Hamburger helper takes a bad loss here.

Mr.. Peanut- Win

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crunch, crunch, crunch. I just ate you. W

The Quaker Guy- Win

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It’s against his religion to partake in any sort of violence so by default I would win. I would feel bad for beating a defenseless man but this is the way it’s go to be.

Pillsbury Dough boy- Win

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literally the worst fighter in this bunch with the exception of maybe the Gerby Baby. W

Uncle Ben- Lose

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Uncle Ben and his notorious rice. This guy knows something we don’t and It goes without saying, I’d be on the losing stick on this one. Uncle Ben whoops me something awful then makes me heat his packaged rice on 3 minutes High.

Final Record

Clarky 7

Food Mascots 9

 

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Written by Clarky