Once upon a time, I used to be able to run with the best of them. Aggressively howl till the moon until the break of dawn and crack a beer with the boys at sunrise just to do it all over again. This past weekend, the good lord instilled some reckoning upon me and made me realize I know longer have the liver, body and energy of an 18 year old boy who just discovered Hustler. No, no, no my days of boozing into the horizons are waving at me in the rear view mirror. Yet, when you work a high stress customer service job like old Clarky, you’re mental stress must relieve itself in the form of drinking.

Drinking is exhilarating but have you ever had a hangover? I ‘m not talking about the minor head ache, little dehydration and maybe a little morning projectile. I’m talking about being a real functioning human adult topping out at the age 27 having a ferocious and detrimental life altering hangover. I don’t even call them hangovers anymore because that word doesn’t even fathom reality. I call them Life threatening crisis’s because that’s exactly what they are. My world literally stops after a night on the town.

“Made plans with me Saturday ?”

See you next week.

“But  I’m Getting Married?”

I’ll catch the next one.

“It’s Christmas son, come to the house.”

Sorry mom, I’ll catch you at Easter.

The world could be ending and after a long night of drinking, I’d almost welcome it just to skip the unbearable pain my body exuberates. If you’re under the age of 25, you have no idea where I am coming from. You may think life has dealt you a bad hangover but I assure you, you’ve never received the black hand of death.

A typical hangover at 27 is a little something like this.

  1. The Wake up Call– Being your a functioning adult now, your body is wired to wake you up at the crack of dawn. It doesn’t matter I was out until 2:13 a.m. shoving taco’s down my throat in the back of an UBER alone. My programing shoots me up at 6:13 a.m. despite how I am feeling.
  2. Digestive System- The human body is a extraordinary thing. When you’re sick your immune system fights it off to ensure you recover. Hence, when you’re hungover, you’re body does something similar by removing the toxins you shoved down your gullet the night prior. What comes in must come out. Weather it’s through your meat hole or your B hole- those toxins are exploding out of your body. This pretty much lasts all day.
  3. Diet- In high school, I used to booze it up just to wake up and run 3 miles. Fast forward a decade later and here I lay glued to the couch like defying gravity is impossible. Since the emergance of UBER Eats, my weight and health has steadily declined. I ordered a burrito for lunch, a fried chicken sandwhich with fries for second lunch, A pizza for dinner and a blizzard from DQ for desert. This is 27.
  4. The days to come- If you think one day of rest and a pleferau of shitty food cures your hangover at this late age, you’re sadly mistaken. It takes multiple days, sometimes week to get right again. Sunday was just as brutal as Saturday. You’re life literally gets backtracked due to your sins. Multiple day hangovers are what is expected when you turn the elderly age of 27.

I don’t write this to prevent you whipper snappers from drinking the devils juice, I write merely to inform. Heed your Elder Clarky’s message

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Written by Clarky