Florida Weekly

weekly segment that highlights the shit show that is the state of Florida. Check back each week to keep up to date on the sunshine state.

It’s that time of the year again where the people in Florida face their toughest feat yet. No, it’s not the category 5 hurricanes,  the carnivorous alligator infused swamps nor the meth head tweakers of Lakeland running loose. Nay, those are merely a way of life in Florida . However, the temperature is dropping below 70 this weekend. Mayhem is already on the incline with rioting and looting surely to follow. Floridian’s are an interesting species. They’ll stand at the top of the skyway with a metal rod screaming ” You Shall not Pass” during the middle of a hurricane, yet, when the warmth of their body is threatened, It’s the beginning of the next Ice age. At it’s low this weekend, the temperatures will swoop to a frozen tundra of 58 degrees and I’m already planning calling of work Monday to hit the bunny slopes. We as Floridians stand tall as goliath through hurricanes, natural disasters and lighting storms on the daily. Yet, the second that pebble of cold wind hit’s us square in the head, a state of emergency is issued. It’s essential to know your strengths and we as Floridians certainly know ours…. as well as our weaknesses.

Strengths

  • Immunity to the sun UV rays
  • immune to Alligators, sharks, barracudas, stingrays (rip steve)
  • Lakeland meth heads
  • thriving in Hurricanes
  • Flooding
  • Lightning

 

Weakness

  • Any sort of weather under the temperature of 82 degrees
  • Buccaneer Football

 

It’s cold out there Florida, bundle up and hold your loved ones tight… it’s going to be a glacial like winter.

 

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Written by Clarky