Hopefully you have a pleasant job and are not glued to your cubicle on the 23rd like the slave that I am. However, if you are, take a quick poop break and read along as we highlight the cubicle woes. Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, don’t even try to debate me. For starters, you get paid PTO which is the gift that keeps on giving. Holiday bonuses, parties and gifts make that evening cocktail seem just a little closer. Which bring me to my next point, gifts. A lot of offices don’t partake in exchanging gifts or a “white elephant party” if you will. However, those of you who belong to one of these progressive employers, this ones for you. Gifting stuff your an employee can be a tricky task, especially with how sensitive society has become. Yes, the days of gifting a blow up doll are long gone as HR would chew you up and shit you out like their morning breakfast. Besides my Christmas Cough, I have no idea what I should gift my co-workers. If I grab Martha a nice set of Makeup, am I saying she could use a little work on her wrinkles? If I gift Jose a bottle of wine, how do I know he even drinks? I don’t talk to him and really have zero desire to do so. Maybe he’s a raging alcoholic and this bottle would tip him over the edge and onto a high speed Christmas car chase. You just can’t be too careful these days. I can’t assist you in great gift ideas but I can tell you what you most definitely should NOT get your co-workers. See below

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Double sided Dildos, blow dolls, flavored condoms or the RX 5,000 full automated bot with a drip pan. It’s an office, not 50 shades of Grey.

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Nowadays, everyone has the sensitivity of 13 year old reciting my chemical romance songs. No matter how light hearted these gag gift’s can be, I promise you, someone will get offended.

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As thoughtful as your sheened down rick oak bird house may be, believe it or not Martha, no one wants a damn birdhouse or a friend coupon book. If you’re struggling to find someone a gift, a pre paid visa card won’t steer you astray. Just don’t bring in some of your 8 year old’s “craft jewelry” which is forged from macaroni.

4. Ordainments.


Boring and irrelevant. Be better than the Ordainment.

5. Irrelevant technology

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Being your office most likely has some prehistoric Dinosaurs, technology of the past can be a common gift idea.

DVD players, blue ray, Fit Bit’s, MP3 players, ¬†electric knives or even a playboy magazine. We’re on the verge of a new decade and believe it or not old timer, no one wants a gift card to Block Busters.

Avoid these types of gifts around the office and you should have a job come new year.

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Written by Clarky