Being a full grown functioning adult trapped in the cubicle 5 days deep, I have very few things to look forward to Monday-Thursday. However, one of those things that gets me through the cubicle each week is Hockey. That’s right baby, I’m talking bottom tier beer league hockey. Something about crushing Labat’s with the boys while forgetting about all those Hoser’s in my office gets me out of bed each morning. With every Beer league team comes different people of all persoanlities, much like an office space. Below are the 5 types of players who somehow manage to squeeze their way onto a roster each season.

  1. The game 7 Hardo

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Mens league is supposed to be an escape from reality, where washed up d3 club players come together to forgot about how their “careers” never panned out. Despite this, there’s always the one asshole who thinks Herb Brooks is scouting out the 1980’s dream team roster. Weather it’s sniffing smelling salts on the bench or ripping clappers from the hashmarks, this guy is always in double OT mode. Grinding in the corners, throwing the extra slash and end to end rushes… this guy is relentless. Each team has this cancer, regardless of A,B,C or even f***ng over 40. He may rack up the points on the stat sheet but mens league is all this guy has.

2. The Beer League bruiser

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The Rhoss Rhea of beer league, this guy somehow finds his way onto a team each season despite being suspended for more than half of the games. Good for a match suspension a year, the bruiser is benificial for every team. In spite of beer league being for good fun, you’ve got “has beens” throwing elbows and cup checks. Having the Bruiser eleiminates this problem. Sure, he may get you disqaulified for excessive PIM’s but it’s a nessesary evil.

3. The GM

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Every team somehow carries a player on the roster that is universally worse than the nucleus of the roster. Yet, he’s the captain. He single handily funds the team so he can sneak away from the wife once a week to work on his transition game between the dots. Tittling himself as a “Penality kill specialist,” this guy may not light up the score sheet but did you check his shots blocked? after the game, he calls his wife to brag about his +/-. From cutting players in the offseason to recruiting recent college grads at the bar, he earns the GM tittle. He may be the slowest sack of shit on the ice but every team needs this unsung hero to keep the team together.

4. The Goalie

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Doesn’t matter if you’re a squirt learning how to skate backwards or gliding at 62 with a life alert wrapped around your neck. If you’re playing hockey, you know the deal with goalies. They’re out of their f****ng mind. I solemly believe it takes a special person to play the game of hockey but to volunteer to have a rubber puck rocketed at your body 30 times a game is pure insanity. To say a screw is lose would be a polite way to put it. They’re deranged people. They sit in the corner of the locker room, they talk to themselves and they just freak me out. Finding a goalie in mens league is a tough task. If you’ve got a good one, hang on to them depsite the fact they may be the Zodiac killer.

5. The Booze Hound

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The fan favorite of the team easily. It could be a midnight game monday night but this guy doesnt miss a game and strolls in with a 24 pack of cold ones for the boys. Beers before, beers during, beers in the showers and beers in the bar after the game, the show goes on. He is the morale guy, the unsung hero that may not win you the game but wins the heart of the 3 single moms in the stands.

Which one are you?

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Clarky