*Unfortunately, Miracle was a real event so no players could make this list.

Xavier Laflamme- Goon (2011) First Line Left Wing

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The bad Boy of the Halifax highlanders who I’m pretty sure is loosely based off of a shittier Alex Ovechkin. The young Russian has the dangles, the shot, the attitude and a really bad narcotics problem. Fast cars, women and drugs are his hobbies off the ice. He is also known for his great pre game speeches.

“You Skate like shit, but you play eleven f***ng minutes. Who the f**k are you?”

God, that one really tugs on the strings of my heart. Sounds like a James Joyce poem.

Adam Banks- D1-D3 (92-96)First Line Center

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Mr. Cake Eater himself from the higher end side of Edina who initially played for the dynasty that was the hawks. However, mid season in 92 he was traded to District 5 due to zoning issues. Despite being reluctant to play for the Ducks much like Eric Lindros when drafted by the Nord’s, Bank’s managed to tear up pewee hockey that year, helping Bombay and his Ducks claim the tittle. Banks went on to play for team USA in the junior Olympics winning gold. He also had a short stint with the Varsity Chiefs but stepped down from the team to re join his long tenured Ducks squad.

MVP(Most Valuable Primate) 2000 Right Wing

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Jack, the fun loving, scene stealing primate who befriends a young deaf girl and her family. In the process, this chimpanzee finds himself as rookie of the year due to his fast skating, primal instincts and driving other teams bananas with his hard shot. Despite the long odds, Jack helps the Nuggets win their first Championship.

Fulton Reed- Defense (Mighty Ducks)

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He’s come along way from ripping clappers in the alleys way at trash cans. Recruited by now captain, Charlie Conway, Fulton made an immediate impact with the Ducks with both his powerful slap shot and the fact he hit puberty despite being 8. Serving as the enforcer for the Ducks, He went toe to toe with team Iceland in the junior Olympics helping the Ducks claim the national tittle.

Dean Portman (Mighty Ducks) Defensemen.

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Due to lack of notary defensemen in Hollywood, Dean Portman defends the blue line on this team. For what he lacks in skill he makes up for on the ice with pure will to beat the shit out of everyone around him. Watching Ryan Reaves and Portman chuck em would be an instant fight of the year.

Julie the Kat (Mighty Ducks) Goalie

 

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Yet, another Duck makes the squad due to Hollywood’s inability to make fake hockey movies, here we are. Julie the fricking kat. Man, my 8 year old self is getting excited as this mama was my first crush. Despite not playing one minute in the junior Olympics, she miraculously got the nod to defend the pipes in the shootout win against the heavy favorite, team Iceland. With a glove that makes Patrick Roy look like he has AIDS, teams will have a tough time padding the stats on this bad bitch.

 

Marco Belchoir (Back up Goalie) (Hallifax Highlanders)

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Finally, Hollywood made a hockey movie that portrays goalies in the right light. They’re f***ng out of their mind. Belchoir didn’t exactly carry the Highlanders to qualify for the playoffs but he did just enough which is why he earns backup. With an intense addiction to paint pills and a deep love for his mother, this cat is deranged like almost every goalie out there.

” Is a Beachball. Because you can not even stop a f***ng beach ball.”

The Hansen Brother- Chiefs

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Put these three guys on the ice and the magic happens. I don’t even need to give them an intro, just peep the video below.

Dean Youngblood 1986- Extra skater

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Grinding your way through the jungles of the Canadian junior hockey league is the definition of struggle. However, The young show pony for the Hamilton Mustangs, Rob Lowe shines on and off the ice. He isn’t as talented or shifty as Laflammne which is why he lands on the second line but don’t sleep on Youngblood, kids got heart and a quick flick of the wrist. Go Stangs baby.

Gordan Bombay (Head Coach)

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Since his DUI in 92, no coach has more wins than Gordan and his Ducks. Coined the breakaway phenomenon, the “triple deke” Bombay has instilled the fundamentals all Minnesota kids need to be successful hockey players. Despite his unorthodox methods like using eggs for passing instead of the recommended pucks, Bombay holds a pewee tittle, Junior Olympic tittle and played minor league hockey before a career ending knee injury. Don’t even get me going on that flow.

Wolf “The Dentist” Stanson ( Assistant coach)

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If Bombay told me “bag skates” at 6 a.m., I’d scoff. If the Wolf looked at me with that slick backed hair, I’d skate until I was told other wise. Nicknamed the Dentist for knocking people’s teeth out in his short NHL stint, the wolf is petrifying. Head coach for the Icelandic team which enforced its will upon any team that stood in its way. Bombay and Wolf may have had their differences, see below but they will have to come together if they want to lead this Hollywood team anywhere.

*Healthy Scratches

  • John Biebe- Mystery Alaska

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  • Charlie Conway Mighty Ducks

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  • Ned Braden- Chiefs

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  • Dave the Killer- Chiefs

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  • Derek Sutton- Mustangs

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  • Doug Glatt – Hallifax Highlanders

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  • Ross Rhea- Shamrocks

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Michael Scarn- ScrantonĀ 

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Written by Clarky