It’s almost a new year but I guarantee you, its going to be the same shit. Each year, highschooler’s, college students and young professionals let loose at the dawn of the new year. One last bang before everyone changes their lives! New Years can be a riveting time for anyone under the age of 25. New years after 25? Is freaking life draining. Every year, I tell myself I’m staying in on New years. No lines, no $1,000 ubers and no soul sucking hangovers to start the year. Yet, somehow the devil on my right shoulder fuels my inner 21 year old self and project X commences. I’m writing this article solely for myself, as a reminder, nay a forthcoming warning to stay the frick home. That’s right boys and girls…. it’s a pizza, glass of franzia and watch Dick Clark count down kind of night. Lights out at 12:01. Happy fricking new year. Here’s 5 reasons you should stay the hell home on New Years.
The emergence of UBER changed the night life game forever and it serves a great purpose which is getting people home safe after drinking. However, on New years eve, UBER Capitalizes on the biggest drinking night. Hey, I’m all for capitalism so I wont hate. If you’re foolish enough to pay $245 to go 12 feet, then your bank account deserves what it gets. PIZZA AND BOX OF FRANZIA- $20.
I work in customer service so my outlook on people Monday through Friday can be viewed as rather morbid. However, standing in line for an hour to pay $30 cover and $12 drinks while getting body bumped by everyone sounds as fun as a sand papered dildo. As much as I’d love to spend $100 for 3 drinks just to listen to a zombie hipster play his pink ipod mashup, I’ll pass. I got PINK on the Amazon Echo anyways.
3. New Years Kiss
Maybe you have a significant other, spouse, wife or maybe you’re going out on New Years in pursuit of that delicious kiss which eludes you every year. Regardless, you can do all of this at the comfort of your lazy boy instead of fist bumping and creepily grinding your way through out a club drinking $14 vodka sodas all night. Smooching on a couch with a slice of pizza in your hands beats shoving your tongue down some rando’s gullet which most likely has the residue of marble lights and type 1 herpes.
4. 2 A.M.
After you’ve struck out at the bar all night and are ready to go home alone using your tears as lubricant, despite your best efforts, you still need an UBER. Have you ever checked the UBER wait time on New Years eve at the tail end of the night? Holy poop balls, you might as well just camp out and reserve a table for brunch because you’re not getting picked up for 3 hours. Plus, don’t forget that $100 ride.
5. THE HANGOVER
The day after drinking is never something one looks forward too. Yet, the morning after new years is revolting. Thanks to $12 drink night, you’re forced to drink hard liquor so you can justify your’e obtuse purchase. Due to the strongest of the devils juice, you’re now hungover as an exasperated toad melting in the hot sun. Puking, alcohol poops and extreme anxiety knowing you’re going to miss the gym today despite your new years resolution to get wash board abs.
Due yourself a favor, skip the lines this year and enjoy the dawn of a new decade sponsored by the comfort of your couch.