It’s that time of the year again where Tampa does it’s best impersonation of New Orleans and throws a pirate themed Mardi Gras. Nothing says Florida like captain hook and boobies. I’ve been to every Gasparilla for the past decade and let me tell you, it gets tougher each year because Gasparilla is a marathon, yet, you’re required to sprint it. It’s straight up exhausting. Yet, here I am again, buying a parrot outfit on Amazon ready to drunkenly parade around Bayshore like a post grad who can’t let go of college. weather it’s your first time or you’re a 44 year old divorcee looking for pirate booty, below are a few tips to survive and ensure you don’t walk the plank right off into jail.

  1. Don’t black out

What the old saying? Do as I say, not as I do? Take it from someone whose been involved in this train wreck for a decade now, you don’t want to black out at Gasparilla. For starters, a blackout in your mid twenties is life altering. Your body takes days, sometimes weeks to recover and your life ship headed towards success is hit by an iceberg. Although it’s vastly difficult to get arrested at Gasparilla, it is possible and blacking out won’t help your chances. I’ve seen an 81 year old women with a walker get cuffed on Bayshore like she was getting an MIP on spring break. Passing out in public, Fake Id’s, public urinating and fornication are sure to get you on the police radar. Like my lawyer always says, Good people do get arrested #ScottAmmoray

2. Bring Alcohol

Obviously, the gist of Gasparilla comes down to drinking. It’s an enormous booze fest with an excuse to dress up like a scallywag. That being said, drinks on Bayshore are stadium price. We’re talking $12 for a beer and $20 for a vodka. You need to be smart jockeys and put that $100,000 education to use. Sure, you may make entry level pay at your local PR firm but you’ve got student loans now and $12 beer night doesn’t factor into your Dave Ramsey budget. You need to pregame and you need to pack accordingly. I’m talking high school pep rally style…. Smirnoff raspberry funneled into Dasani water bottles, airplane 99 bananas bottles and all that other shit. Stuff that in your fanny pack, boxer briefs and bra’s but just be smart about it.

3. Don’t actually show your boobs or genitals.

It’s no secret, you will see some nippily tator tots at this adult filled jubilee. That being said, the goal is not to spend that tax return on a lawyer. Sure, you may get a few beads showing off what your mama gave you but if the boys in blue see that mammary madness, you could be walking the plank. Besides, a lot of these floats can have boy scouts or a peewee baton teams on them. No need to scare them that young. Besides, everyone knows the boobies come out at the night parade anyways.

Cheers you sick pirates and here’s do walking into work Monday without your mugshot blasted all over the office.