The Super Bowl may have come and gone but the ladies championship is just heating up. This week, we’ve got 5 freaking hours of The Bachelor! Grab those glasses of Franzia and pace yourself for some DRAMA! Below are my 41 thoughts from last nights episode which was the duration of the Lord of the Rings. Enjoy!

  1. I cannot believe I am about to sit through 3 hours of this hot mess train of a show. AGAIN. This show is like an ex boyfriend you just can’t break up with. I need an intervention.
  2. Oh, the show is going to get interrupted with the caucus updates… clearly this country has their priorities straight #ChrisHarrison2020
  3. I love how they made Cleveland look like a real city.
  4. “Remember that rose I gave you on the date you weren’t invited to? Yeah, I’m gonna need that back before all the other girls riot and leave the show” – Peter
  5. RIP to Alayah and her high pitched whiny voice
  6. All right, who’s the next villain? My vote is on Kelsey or Victoria F.
  7. Every time I look at Peter, I see Nick Viall and I puke a little in my mouth.
  8. I am so tired of conversations about Alayah. *goes on twitter to read more about the Alayah drama*
  9. Honestly, I have NO idea who this girl is that Peter’s kissing in the red convertible. When did she get here? Who is she?
  10. Apparently, her name is Lexi and she’s been here since night one.
  11. “I still believe I’m going to fall in love with him” – MyKenna…are you just trying to talk yourself into wanting to like him even though you and everyone else wishes Tyler Cameron was the Bachelor instead?
  12. On a side note, I am 100% here for her facial reactions.
  13. Girl doesn’t get rose during the ceremony: “I felt blindsided…” You may have only had 5 minutes of screen time this season, but don’t you worry! You can still go on Bachelor in Paradise and promote Sugar Bear hair on Instagram.
  14. Take a shot every time Peter says “lush jungles” during this episode.
  15. Peter stabbed himself in the head with a champagne glass and got 20 stiches. Champagne is now the official drink of this season of the Bachelor.
  16. I’m confused why every season, there is always one girl who can’t deal with the fact that they have to share the bachelor with 20 other women. IT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SHOW!
  17. “You’re the best kisser” – Peter’s future wife is not going to take well to this.
  18. I would like to start a petition to have Peter never speak Spanish on this show again.
  19. Once again, I am questioning why I watch this show religiously.
  20. Why does Kelsey look like Amanda Bynes circa 2014 when she cries?
  21. “I ate lunch in the bathroom stall every day of senior year” is this a Mean Girls reference?
  22. Sydney and Peter have been making out more than actual talking on their date.
  23. “I like Sydney, I think she’s cool…but she’s a dramatic f*cking b*tch” – Kelsey, who’s been crying this entire show about a champagne bottle.
  24. I have so many thoughts about this swim photoshoot date that I don’t even know where to start. What a FINASCO as Hannah Ann would say.
  25. “Today was nice, there was no real drama” – famous last words when spoken on the Bachelor.
  26. is Kelsey the first girl to throw out the L word?!
  27. So, Peter wins biggest snitch of the season.
  28. “What’s wrong with crying 4 hours a day?” – Me to my therapist. But also Kelsey to herself.
  29. Peter starts getting serious about the relationship. Kelley: freaks out over a lizard so Peter will shut up.
  30. Brownie points for Kelley for calling Peter out for rewarding the drama. She sounds smart so I am not sure why she is on this show…
  31. “I wasn’t drunk; I was tipsy” – me defending myself to Standards after getting kicked out of formals for the second time in a row.
  32. Peter is giving out roses not on actual dates like he’s Oprah during her Favorite Things giveaway. You get a rose, you get a rose, and you get a rose!
  33. Is Kelsey going to cry again?
  34. Let’s just give everyone another reason to hate Kelsey, which will probably lead to Kelsey having another “mental breakdown”
  35. Adderall, birth control, and champagne… Ah, the breakfast of champions.
  36. WHOA, are we getting two rose ceremonies in one episode?? I AM STRESSED.
  37. MyKenna’s crying episodes are much more entertaining than Kelsey’s.
  38. Also, did she just try to make out with herself because she has had 10 whole minutes with Peter this entire season?
  39. Peter looks even more dumb with the stupid bandage on his forehead.
  40. MyKenna is 10000% going to be on Paradise this summer, and I cannot wait. She’s the new and improved Jenna Cooper.
  41. This whole episode was an absolute train wreck, but you bet I’ll be watching two more hours of this drama on Wednesday!

 

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Ray Charles