Welcome back Jockeys to another segment of Cinema with Clarky. Last week we touched on telivsions worst endings. This week, we’re diving balls deep into Disney Channel originial movies. Comment below your picks! Let’s watch a Disney Channel Movie!
10. Double Teamed
At the time, no one really thought about the controversial movie tittle… but I guess that is just another example of Disney infusing sexual innuendoes into the hearts of America. Any-whoo. Double teamed makes the list at number 10 not solely because of it’s tittle but because it was Disney’s first major women’s sporting flick . Two sisters dribble, pass and shoot their way into the hearts of America. Don’t sleep on this dynamic duo draining buckets #RIPKOBE
9. The Thirteenth Year
Just the classic plot where a 13 year old boy hits puberty…. but instead of excessive wet dreams he transforms into a fish. Yes someone wrote that down on paper, presented it to a panel of producers as a script then someone signed off on budgeting this film to showcase to children. Guess what? It worked, an absolute classic! Sometimes I think a group of people get high as balls and just make movies. Anyways, a real staple in my child hood. SWIM CODY SWIM!
8. Cadet Kelly
Two of my three childhood crushes starred in this movie (Tampanga from boy meets world was my other) so obviosuly I watched this movie religiously. A tough boarding school drill sergeant goes toe to toe with a combative city chick. Knee slappers, fun and good morale for the whole family in this one. Cadet Kelly reporting for duty.
Coming in hot at number 7 comes Disney Channel’s spooky fan favorite where a family discovers they come from a long line of witches. Nothing like turning 13 and finding out your whole family is descendants of witches who are entrenched in a war against evil… Good withes defeat the bitches #BROOMSUP
6. Zeon: Girl of the 21st Century
Forget Interstellar, my girl Zeon rules the mother f***ng galaxy. If you haven’t seen this funky fresh space cadet roaming space, you have yet to live my friend. Zeon lands at #6 on the reciter scale mainly because of this super dope music video. Zoom Zoom Zoom make my heart go BOOM BOOM BOOM. Telling my kids this was Justin Timberlake in the 90’s
Let’s blade brah!? The first aggressive inline movie that hit the golden streets of Hollywood. Basically, Disney’s version of Lords of Dog town. Focused around a tween who blades for the fun of it and goes against the establishment. Sounds like my 9th grade self in my Heelys.When his family is thrusted into some financial turmoil, he must turn his back on all his beliefs and skate for a sponsored team aka the establishment. A real classic tale with some sick tricks#50/50GRIND
4. Smart House
Hate your step parents? Ever thought of making your home into a programmed surrogate mother? Well, this boy did. If you haven’t seen this phenomenal film, skip work, get watching and I’ll write your doctors note. Also, Gemma from Sons of Anarchy is the computerized home so that’s a W.
Rounding out our list at number 3 comes in the Disney’s extreme Motocross. When her brother breaks his leg just before a huge race …. like any good sibling, she cuts all of her hair and pretends to be a boy. This was made in 2001 so at the time, dressing up like the other gender was considered abnormal. Sorry I just assumed all of your genders#Sorrynotsorry.
Anyways, Andrea turns out to be pretty damn good at Motocross. Great flick.
2. Johnny Tsunami
At number 2 comes possibly the greatest movie to walk this earth. A promising Hawaiian surfer is forced to transfer his surfboard to the snow as he moves to Vermont. As he transitions from sandcastles to snow balls, he becomes engulfed in an internal struggle between the snobby Skiers and the rebellious snow boarding gang he joins. Kind of like an Outsiders… except instead of dirty greasers and rich snobs… it’s just rich kids battling for the slopes at their boarding school. Tensions run high and so do the slopes.
- The Even Stevens Movie
Disney’s best show also produced its best movie. You just can’t beat pre crazy Shila. Louis and his family are offered a dream vacation to an all inclusive island but little do they know… they are actually on a staged reality TV show. With everything falling apart, can the Stevens family hold strong? Classic humor from the original show infused with some new characters makes this, in my opinion, Disney’s best original movie. Beans, Louis, Wren… name a better duo.
Make sure to check back next week where we cover the best Trilogies Hollywood has to offer.