I just want all of you to know how dedicated I am to this column. I went to Drink Around the World at Epcot this weekend, drunk read conspiracy theories regarding the Bachelor finale, only slept 5 hours last night, AND I am still going watch tonight’s episode! THAT IS DEDICATION. All right, let’s dive right in to

*the most dramatic episode ever*


  1. Ok guys, I gotta be honest. I missed the first 5 minutes of this episode because my internet was on the fritz. #nocableproblems
  2. I’m so distracted by this somewhat important conversation because I cannot stop looking at Peter’s poor version of a Harry Potter scar.
  3. Here starts the “she gave him an ultimatum” vs “she’s just telling him how she feels” arguments on twitter.
  4. Oh, boy. Peter gave up speaking Spanish and now gives us Australian accent Peter. Can I catch a break from this misery?!
  5. The devil works hard…but the producers work harder. I cannot believe they are keeping all 3 girls in the same hotel during fantasy suite week.
  6. Victoria F’s face when hometowns are mentioned…priceless.
  7. Hannah Ann and Madi giggling like the shared hotel is a slumber party and not a sister wives meeting.
  8. Hannah Ann looks at Peter like she is a little kid meeting Santa Claus for the first time.
  9. Who actually wears their hair down while jet skiing?
  10. Peter is definitely one of those guys that doesn’t care if his butt crack hangs out of his swimsuit.
  11. Hannah Ann walking in looking like the mean girl in one of your favorite Mary Kate & Ashley movies.
  12. Ranger Rick is going to haunt Peter in his dreams if this doesn’t end in Hannah Ann’s favor.
  13. We have confirmation that Peter is a dummy and Hannah Ann is a child – they just eskimo kissed.
  14. Can someone confirm this for me? Are those light switches on the headboard or slits for handcuffs?
  15. The hand on the fogged up bathroom door…The Bachelor vs The Titanic…the remake we never asked for.
  16. I don’t think silence could get more awkward between Victoria F & Madi right now…
  17. “We chose each other” No, Peter, YOU chose her. She has literally tried to break up with you/run away/cause drama on EVERY single date.
  18. Over/under how long it takes before Victoria F walks off because she finds him annoying?
  19. “Today was great” – Peter because Victoria F hasn’t gas lighted him yet.
  20. Victoria F crying in her ITM about being in love with Peter is probably genuine tears because she has never been in love with someone who isn’t already married.
  21. Ben Higgins tells two girls he loves them: I threaten to break my TV in half. Peter is in love with 3 girls: I don’t bat an eye.
  22. Loving all the camp bracelets Peter is wearing in bed with Victoria F. Really adds a little something special, don’t ya think?
  23. Oh, Peter is your person? Girl, he is nowhere close to being McDreamy.
  24. “You look so cute” “You look so skinny” – convo between 3 girls in the same fantasy suite hotel OR 3 drunk girls in the bar bathroom.
  25. Tbh, I would have dumped Peter’s ass for making me climb up this tall building just so we can make out while being 3 inches away from falling off the roof.
  26. “I’m crazy for you, but I still wanted to have sex with the other girls” – definitely Peter.
  27. Idk what Madi thought was going to happen during Fantasy Suite week. That they were going to play monopoly and drink not spiked hot chocolate while wearing matching pajamas?
  28. Peter just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
  29. In my personal opinion, I don’t blame Madi for telling Peter her feelings about sex/her personal morals. Peter knew her thoughts and feelings about everything but still chose to do what he wanted to do. But, on the other hand, I am not sure if Madi was completely smart on going on this show since it literally involves you dating a guy while he is also dating 29 other girls.
  30. Get prepared for next week – it’s the second to last rose ceremony…will Madi show up? Will Victoria F finally leave? Will Hannah Ann have an emotional breakdown because she is so in love with Peter? AND it’s Women Tell All night! Can’t wait for Victoria F to be be on the hot seat and deny her cheating allegations once again.

Ray Charles