The Hand Shake is dead. There I said it, and honestly we as Americans, the smartest species to ever live, should have seen this coming a long time ago. For generations the hand shake has been not only a staple of our society, but cultures around the world. It’s pretty safe to say, zillions of business deals have begun and ended with the handshake. It’s a formal greeting, a sign of strength and bravado, and not to mentions its the universal way of introducing oneself. That is until now. If you think about it, like really think about it, who knows where peoples hands have been (I mean I know where mine are and thats bad enough) which means we are basically asking germs to spread freely from human to human. As I said earlier, the handshake is dead. I won’t say the corona virus killed it because I don’t wanna give that little bitch any free clout but it’s time we move on. In lieu of, I present to you 5 new ideas that we as humans can use to greet each other.


Option 1: The Bow


A practice widely utilized in Asian culture, and I will give credit where credit is due. They were way ahead of their time in terms of spreading potentially infectious diseases and it’s time we take notes.


Option 2: The Fist Bump


Sure, it may be a bit casual but in terms of stopping the spread of germs it can be extremely effective. Hell, look at Howie Mendel, dude hasn’t touched a germ since ‘93 and he’s been fisting bumping till his knuckles are bleeding.


Option 3: The Curtsy


I’ve honestly never performed one as I’m pretty sure they are reserved for the ladies and typically at the end of an opera performance. But imagine grown men curtsying each other every time they meet. Would be a sight to see and nonetheless would also help in the whole not touching each other post-corona virus. 


Option 4: Quick Slap to the Ass (No Grab)


I cannot emphasis enough that it would be a slap, not too hard, and not a grab and/or squeeze. A move typically reserved for sporting events, this idea would sure to be an HR nightmare but this is merely an exercise and as my 3rd grade teacher told me they are no stupid ideas just stupid people. Maybe we leave this one as a means of last resort, carry on.


Option 5: Kick To The Nuts


Now I know, not everyone has nuts so maybe we could combine this idea with the curtsy. That way the males (historically dumber species) can kick each other in the nuts and laugh in pain each time they meet someone and the females (who live notably longer) can curtsy? Sure it would be painful at first but there’s a chance we could adapt, I’m just spitballing here but I might be on to something. And also, its never not funny to watch other guys get kicked in the nuts so I am a bit biased on behalf of the entire male population. With that being said, enjoy this nice 13 minute TBT of the ‘kicked in the nuts guy’ in his prime, when times were a lot simpler. 


p.s. wash your hands and flatten the curve!