Just this past week, Tiger King once again made headlines as Nicolas Cage upgraded from stealing The Deceleration of Independence to starring as the Tiger King. What a time to be alive. If the Cage man himself can keep staying employed, so can you.

For those of you who follow my literature, you may know I was one of those behemoths in Greek Life. As much as a reckless wrench I was to society those 5 years, could you imagine if Joe Exotic was in a Fraternity? Image him going toe to toe with the Dean of Students? Guess what Mother F***kers, today we will imagine that. Check out the list below and let us know your thoughts in the comments!

 

Joe Exotic/Tiger King

Tittle: Social Chair (Kicked out of Fraternity after hosting an Indiana Jones Bro’s Party with Live snakes)

Fraternity: Phi Delta

I don’t imagine Joe Exotic would last all too long in a Fraternity and would probably be kicked out of the Fraternity within a year for plotting against the Dean of Students for canceling formal. However, his legendary year would go down in infamy and used as talking tool during rush week.

 

Carole F*****g Baskins

baskins

Tittle: Standards chair

Sorority:  Kappa Delta

Everybody hates you. You got into a sorority for one reason, LEGACY. Your mother or grandmother is a long time donor to nationals so you squeaked in off of formality. Regardless, everyone cringes when you speak which is why the President urges you to be head of standards so you can be the bad guy…. which you enjoy. When you graduate, there will be a enormous party but you won’t be invited. Eat shit Baskins.

 

Jeff Lowe

jeff lowe

Tittle: Treasurer

Fraternity: Kappa Sigma

Guy comes off as an “okay” guy but once he weasels his way into an EC position, your Fraternity is f****d. Knowing the snake oil salesman Jeff Lowe is, he ideally would run for Treasurer…. as in manages all the fraternity dues. Once he graduates, your chapter will realize he embezzled $25,000 of Fraternity funds for Oakley and Affliction graphic tees.

 

Doc Antle

doc

Tittle: Greek Relations

Fraternity: DKE

This guy joins the Fraternity for one reason, to meet girls. Coming off as a nurturing, kind sort of guy… he deploys his position as Greek Relations to bring in gift baskets, drinks, foods, etc to Sororities across campus. Be weary ladies, he is out for one thing only.

 

Travis Maldonado

travis

Tittle: Brotherhood Chair

Fraternity: Sigma Chi

He joins the Fraternity for 3 sole reasons- The Bro’s, parties and booze. Like Travis, I believe he just wanted to get drunk and play with Tigers. Can’t fault him for that one. Much like the majority of Sigma Chi, they just want to be booze bags and hang out with their friends (brothers) R.I.P Travis.

 

Erik Cowie

erik cowie

Tittle: Environmental Chair or some made up position

Fraternity: Whichever one doesn’t do background checks.

Whatever Fraternity requires him to do the least, does not check GPA and will not ask him to show up to chapter…. is the Fraternity he joins. Man with a plan.

 

John Reinke

reinke

Tittle: Chapter Advisor

Fraternity: ATO

Probably the most respectable character on the show which is why he is actually not in the Fraternity. Nay, an older more mature alumni who decides he will dedicate his Sundays to making sure the Charter doesn’t get revoked. Much like trying to handle Joe Exotic, this unsung hero ensures the Fraternity doesn’t go up in flames each semester.

 

 

John Finaly

john finla

Tittle: Guards the Chapter door

Fraternity: Kappa Alpha Order

He joins for simple reason… Brotherhood, good times and shooting guns which is much like the boys of KA. Sounds like a hell of a good time to me. Yeeeeehaw brothers!

 

James Garretson

james

Tittle: Secretary

Fraternity: Sig Ep

Much like a secretary, they like to play both sides. Whispering into the ear of the president while also undermining him to the chapter. He has no loyalty and can’t decide which side he is on. Bad ass Jet Ski however.

 

Howard Baskin

howard

Tittle: Director of Greek Life

Fraternity: Blackballed from all of them

He has pledged every Fraternity and has managed to get blackballed from all of them. He then graduates and takes on the role of director of Greek Life with one intention… destroy them. Much like Howard Baskins, this man is a glorified baby sitter and is comparable to Toby Flenderson. I’ve had my fair share of run ins with head of Greek Life advisors and they are all snakes.

 

Clarky

Clarky