I Miss Sports.

I don’t think those are exactly controversial words, but it is a true statement nonetheless. And I don’t just mean my favorite sports either, I miss all sports. I long for a time when each night I can turn the TV on after a long day and catch a random WNBA game. Not to mention, the things I would do to witness something magical such as March Madness or The Masters at this time. Now I realize we are very well on our way to getting at least some (get your shit together baseball) sports back but in the meantime I will continue to complain.

During this quarantine, I’ve had a lot of time to ponder, since yanno there’s no sports, the things I would be willing to give up in order to get sports back. Below is a semi coherent collection of my thoughts and a brief list of these things I would be willing to give up in order to get sports back.

 

1 – Alcohol I know starting things off with a bang here. Now I wouldn’t exactly call myself a modern day martyr, but if it came down to it, I would be willing to give up alcohol if that meant that everyone can have sports back. Please save your applause.

 

2 – My Dog Might catch a lot of flak for this one, but hear me out. I don’t actually have a dog, even though I do happen to be a dog lover. Therefore, I can say I’d give up my dog for sports to come back, only because there is no dog in the first place. Sounds like a giant sacrifice right? Thats because it is! And the best part is, its one I won’t ever have to fulfill, because again: no dog.

 

3 – Subtitles Those of you that know me, which is probably the small minority if any of you, know that this one is a BIG one for me. If your a subtitle guy (like me), you get it. If your not, you won’t get it, you probably never will and also your wrong. I am telling you that once you turn those subtitles on for movies and all other TV watching, you will never go back. It is alike to being awoken after having slept for hundreds of years. Now I get it, some people might say “but Connor, you listed alcohol and your dog (which I still don’t have), how can you compare those with subtitles?” And those people clearly watch their movies with just sound like neanderthals and therefore will never understand the beauty that is subtitles.

 

4 – Toilet Paper Last and probably actually the least, we have toilet paper. This may go back to the whole crisis and the run that Americans apparently had on TP, leaving half the nation with a garage full and other half wondering why, but it didn’t make a lot of sense to me. To be honest this one should be a lot higher and I would actually give up TP even if I lost a bet, so to bring sports back it seems like a no brainer. I can think of a lot of other things I surely would gather and splurge on if the world was ending but honestly TP would be the bottom of that list. I mean humans survived without Charmin for thousands of years, so I think most people could go a few weeks. But thats just me.

 

Anyways, I should probably add that this list is fully and legally binding so if anyone decides to hold me to it, just know that this will hold up in a court of law. So please, fire away because that’s the kind of person I am, so very selfless that I would gladly exchange any (or all, if given the right terms & conditions) of these items for a chance for sports to come back altogether. Until then, keep brushing up on those 1998 NBA finals rewinds and hopefully we will see you soon.

 

 

 

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Jonner Cones-Jonner Cones-  A former JV All-Star, turned pencil pusher. These days you can find him crunching numbers hunched over in his cubicle, and by numbers we mean minutes until the almighty 5:01 p.m. strikes. In his spare time Jonner enjoys singing out of tune, developing new hangover remedies and rearranging his Stevie Nicks shrine. Jonner is often mistaken for Ellen DeGeneres.