Despite the efforts of the bitch Corona, she failed to ruin hockey all together. That’s right you puck bunnies, Hockey is slated to come back July 30th and I can feel my slacks getting tighter already! It’s been a long quarantine and watching highlights of my Junior B days just isn’t cutting it anymore. I need to see real hockey players not some 17 year old bender under the impression he had a future. Anyways, enough in the self wallow. Hockey is almost back bitches! As excited I am for a 24 team playoff, part of me is nervous. Nervous because with all the excitement hockey brings, heartbreak can follow and let me tell you.. she’s a cruel bitch mother. Being a Capitals fan, my entire life has been filled with sheer shame.

Sure, we had our legendary run in 2018 where my sweet Russian prince held lord Stanley and cusped his balls. However, the Capitals playoff tenure usually begins with a huge hype and ends entirely too short. Much like my sex life. Anyways, Moving on.

Below are 5 moments where my beloved Capitals  dropped my heart into a boiling bucket of tears and then stomped on it until it bled no more. Here’s to winning the cup in 2020 boys, ALL CAPS!

5. Caps Drop Double OT to Hurricanes ( 2019)

Just a short year after the legendary run to the cup, the boys in red blew a 2-0 series lead and lost in double OT at home to the…….. Hurricanes. A team with fake fans. It stung like burning pee but my soul was not entirely crushed as…. hey, we won last year bitches. See you in 2020.


4. Capitals Get Swept by The Lightning (2011)

After blowing a 3-1 series lead against the Canadians the year prior, the Presidents Trophy winning Caps were geared up for a deep run in hopes to hoist Lord Stanley. Enter the most bandwagon team of all time… the Lightning. The Caps got swept. F*****ng swept! With Ovie, Backstrom, Alexander Semin, Federov. The team was as stacked as they come but because the Caps are the Caps…. we lost in perfect fashion. Better luck next year. Oh well, we paid you back in 2018.


3. Stephan beats Holtby in OT (2015)

Now we’re really getting into the heartbreakers. The Caps were up 3-1 on the Rangers who had plagued the Caps for the past 3 years. Not this year Ovie said. “We’re winning in 7!” 

Game 7 goes to overtime and Derek Stephan put an absolute dagger into the heart of all Caps fans. This was the first major heartbreak for me as I was truly sold that it was finally our year. I was later banned from Bar Loui that night as a result.


2. The Pittsburg F****NG Penguins (1991, 1992, 1995,1996,2000, 2001,2009, 2016, 2017)

No team has owned my Capitals like Crosby and the Pens have. The stat above is a joke. I absolutely hate this team. They’re  foul beasts and I wish nothing but the darkest pit of misery for all the fans of that awful gold. Sure, the first 7 series loses to the pens hurt but 2016 and 2017 hurt like no other.

The Caps won the Presidents Trophy both of the years and found themselves losing to the Pens in the…. you guessed it…. second round! Honestly, one of the most stacked teams since the 2002 Colorado Avalanche, yet, the chocking persisted like a never ending adult film. These two loses broke me and I had no hope for this team. Attached is my coffee table which did not survive after 2017 2-0 game 7 loss.

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  1. Washington Capitals Win the Cup (2018)

But wait Clarky… the Caps won, the curse is lifted! Stop traffic. Stop it right now. Sure, my Caps beat an expansion team in 5 games and held the mighty Cup. Years of shame lifted from Ovie’s shoulders in a blink of an eye. Yes, it was the best moment of my life. However, due to the amount of misery this team had caused me and being engulfed by this joyous moment… I indulged in Lucifer’s juice and drank like a puffer fish. Due to my incoherent state this night…. I managed to break a kitchen sink. I also missed the first half of work trying to fix the broken sink. When I finally arrived to work (work party) I lost my debit card and the whole party had to stop what they we’re doing and locate my card. Turn out security had it. While I was waiting for security to bring me my belongings…. a ran into an old college friend. He asked what I was doing. I replied ” Waiting for security to bring me my card, I lost it.”

Smugly he replied…. ” Somethings never change, Clark.” and like that he was gone.

Caps year baby.

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