Maybe you work a full time job and get bent over the barrel everyday? Maybe you just got laid off because that bitch Corona? Or maybe you’re a young chick-ling who just graduated the best years of your life… college. Regardless, if you’re following Office Jockeys… odds are you’re in this grind we all call corporate America. The day in and day out grind of being an Office Jockey can grow weary on ones soul. You know what’s even worse than than 50 hour week and being underpaid? Knowing you’re turning 30 in 3 short years. Having a panic attack every night before you go to sleep is the new normal. A stressful job, endless emails and knowing the bottom of my eye sockets will looks like a ball sack by 28 sends anxiety shock waves through my marrow each day.

Do you know what it’s like to be 4 years removed from college and on the verge of 30? it’s a horror- stricken feeling.  You’re whole life begins to flash before your elderly eyes. You’re no longer the cute kid at the office who can get away with shit because he just graduated college. Nay, you’re a seasoned Office Jockey and like a piece of expired meat you can be disposed at any moment. The days of thunder are now over and it’s strictly rain puddles and Viagra going forward. Below is a list of things to expect at this grim age bracket.

Here’s to being almost 30, flirty and thriving (13 going on 30 quote)



You thought having Corona virus was bad? Try drinking 5 IPA’S on a Tuesday night and trying to make a sales call come 7 a.m. Hangovers last 3 days. 


You’re days of going to bed at 11:30 and waking up at 6 am are long gone bud. On the brink of 30, you need a full nights rest. 12 hours. Lights out at 6 p.m. 



If you’re still in the world of dating at this point, you’ve probably comes to the conclusion the vast pool of single people has gone shrunk vastly. The once populated apps such as Tinder and Bumble no longer have a place for you. You’ve aged out and the majority younger ages such as 23-26 won’t be swiping for your elderly age. Thankful I don’t have to experience Tinder plus at 27.



A large part about growing up is developing anxiety. It comes out of nowhere and the first time you experience it you’ll probably head to the ER. Turns out it’s just a panic attack and it’s a completely normal part of working in the real world. Unless you work for some new high tech software company who drinks 7.8% IPA’s at noon and has unlimited vacation days….. get ready for stress levels with higher numbers than Covid 19. 



I was never one of those guys blessed with a fast acting metabolism. The second I stopped playing hockey and joined a Fraternity I blew up like violet in Willy Wonka. For those of you who have been blessed by the gods of metabolism without working out and have managed to gain zero weight…. how dare you, for starters. Second, enjoy that body now as when you get on the wrong side of your 20’s…. it all comes crashing down and soon you won’t be able to see your weiner when peeing unless you start doing crunches. 



With each growing day you become older, your parents will set a calendar reminder each month to ask you when you are getting married. It’s only natural as they want to see their little baby blossom and pollute the earth with grand kids. Expect this, it will happen. 



Here’s to 30.