Well, for the 5,102 of you who read my last predictions… I hope for your sake you didn’t put money down as I went 3-5 in my series predictions and my round robin forecast was abysmal at best. Evidently my knowledge from playing whale shit junior hockey in 2011 did not translate well into my forthcoming predictions. Anyways, we’ve got the official start of the playoffs. 16 teams will battle it out in the bubble and I can’t f****ng wait. My anxiety and blood pressure will be skyrocket but at least hockey is back. Check out my picks below.


The East

(1)Phil vs Montreal (12)-

Prediction: (PHIL 4-1)

I had the flyers finishing last and Montreal getting shit pumped so take my outlook with a grain of salt. In fairness, no one had the Habs beating the Penguins…not even Claude Jullian. Carey Price will literally have to inter channel powers from Zues himself to steal the series. I just don’t see this shit happening twice. The Canadians are on the rise but they have no means being in the playoffs. The Flyers also look FILTHY  as they beat the wheels off of  WSH, Boston and TBL…. the 3 top teams in the east


(2) TBL vs (7) CBJ

Prediction: TBL 4-3

Sure, CBJ split the Lightning’s ass open like a canoe last year. Be that as it may, I don’t see it happening once more. It sounds like Hedman could miss some time which is a huge loss but they are so deep on both sides of the puck, they should be okay. Tortz will have his team ready to play CBJ style of hockey which is too hit the shit out of you and wait for you to make a mistake… which Tampa will do. However, I don’t see them keeping up with the firepower of TBL and I have the bolts winning a close one in 7 just to lose next round to Phily.



(3) WSH vs (6) ISLES

Prediction: WSH- 4-2

Ah frick, time to be biased. Yes I am picking my Caps to move on. The sole purpose you ask? They just have too much talent to lose to Mr. egg heads team.(god I miss Trotz) With the exception of Barzel, the Islanders are all a bunch of 79 rated players on Chel but guess what? It f***ng works! That Barry Trotz hockey continues to puzzle everyone and I am slightly scared as we may get out-coached. If the Caps play like dog shit, they lose this. I’m hoping for a rebound after a whale shit, lack luster showing in the opening round. Caps in 6.



(4) Boston vs (5) CAR

Prediction: CAR 4-3

Woah, I know…. the presidents trophy winners losing in the first round??? It can happen… just ask Tampa, Washington and all the other failures of hockeys past.  BIG flex here. Hear me out. This Canes team is FILTH. Aho is a little river rat out there nipping twine like he’s Betty f***ng Ross. I just think this team has bought in and playing for each other. Bet big on the Canes in 7 baby.



The West

(1) VGK vs (12) CHICAGO

Prediction: VGK 4-2

I hope I am wrong about this just like I was about the EDM series. Chicago looked great and the aging core produced, which was my biggest question mark.  That being said, Vegas is a WAGON and steamrolled through that opening round. Oh and they’re getting Max Patty back…. led them in goals, no big deal. So yeah, as much as I want to see patty Kane beat up some more taxi drivers…. I think the drivers are safe this year.



(2) COL vs (11) ARZ

Prediction: COL- 4-2

The Yotes surprised us all and took down the Pred’s but their luck runs out against the best team in the NHL. Now that the Oilers are eliminated…. the best player in post season remains and his name is Nathan. I know, not a bad ass name but the guy is filth. If Darcy Kemper can stand on his head like Price did…. the Yotes can win this. I’ll be the first to tell you… I want this upset to happen… yet, life is cruel and it won’t. With too much fire power up front… I don’t see the upset. Arizona fans… all 7 of them should be excited for their future as they have a young core who will be a force for years to come.



(3) Dallas vs (6) Calgary

Prediction: Dallas 4-3

This could go either way but I am going with Dallas on the sole reason of Ben Bishop. He’s one of the best goalies in the world and the Flames are a question mark in net. As long as Jamie Benn and Seguin can produce… I see a close W with Ben Bishop stealing a series. But who knows, maybe Jonny Hockey shows up and becomes the prince that Calgary was promised.



(4) STL vs (5) VAN

Prediction: STL- 4-3

Another very tough one as I love the Nucks squad but I just don’t know if it’s there time just yet. The Blues are coming off a Stanley Cup but played like my Monday night mens league team this past round. I see a rebound and strong goaltending from the Blues. The Nucks keep this really tight but the Blues experience is too much to handle.


Check back in two weeks to see how f**ng wrong I was. Here’s to hockey being back and my liver being treated like a punching bag.