All righty guys. WE ARE BACK. Freaking finally. I don’t know if I could do another summer without three failed engagements from Bachelor in Paradise. So, this season, we got Claire. Gotta be honest…I did not watch Juan Pablo’s season, so the only background I have on Claire is the same 2 minute clip they play from his finale. Gimme something new to work with here, people. Also, I read all the spoilers, but I won’t be spoiling in this article. However, from the spoilers I have read so far, this season is about to be quite possibly the biggest sh*tshow we have ever seen. Which sounds impossible after watching the trainweck of a season that Peter’s was.

  1. Here we go. Another season of me wondering why the f*ck I still watch this show.
  2. Also does anyone else think it’s weird that we will be watching the finale during Christmas?
  3. OH awkward. Wasn’t aware that her name was spelled C-L-A-R-E
  4. February 2020 seems like 10 years ago. I have no concept of time anymore.
  5. “Really good chance you are going to be engaged” – literally cannot remember the last season that had an actual engagement.
  6. I LOATHE the first hour of the Bachelorette premiere. I feel like I am watching a Hallmark movie mixed with a Yoplait yogurt commercial.
  7. Clearly, Dale is going to be the hero or the zero this season.
  8. Never have I ever had my Covid screening be aired on national television
  9. Ok, Harvard guy is already on my shit list. I feel like he’s the younger Winklevii twins’ brother.
  10. If I was filmed during quarantine – it would literally be me in sweatpants, eating cookie dough, and watching Law and Order SVU reruns. Ray for Bachelorette 2021, anyone?
  11. “What’s up, trees? What’s up, grass?” – me after taking too big of a hit
  12. All righty, what hot mess of a sequin dress will Clare be wearing tonight…
  13. Oh god, I hate it. It’s so tacky, I hate it so much.
  14. Fire her stylist ASAP.
  15. It looks like the dresses that we wore to prom in the mid 2000’s and all the sequins fell off whenever we were grinding on our dates to Yeah by Usher.
  16. Does Chris Harrison have a combover?
  17. Therapy to prepare for the Bachelorette? Someone has his priorities straight.
  18. Clare – “It’s a perfect night to fall in love” All of the contestants – “It’s a perfect night to get blackout on an open bar”
  19. How many times are we going to hear the phrase “the oldest bachelorette”?
  20. Let the journey of you questioning why you watch this show begin.
  21. Ok first guy LEGGO.
  22. Everyone knows the first guy always is a good guy or a drama queen. He’s in the army, so I am gonna go with the latter.
  23. God, I hate these corny lines.
  24. Addiction specialist? Oooooo can’t wait to hear more about this one.
  25. OH MY GOD his feet are so…BIG.
  26. Also, his pants are SO short.
  27. Gotta love those former football players. This kid is an idiot.
  28. Also, did not catch that reference. Did anyone else? Or did this fall flat? Send this dude home.
  29. A star tattoo behind the ear? Yum.
  30. OH an old guy! But a banker from DC. YAWN.
  31. Is Clark Griswold on the Bachelorette?
  32. OF COURSE THE HARVARD GUY IS WEARING A SCARF.
  33. So much Harvard energy. And he has the same name as the hoighty toighty poodle down the street from me.
  34. Can’t stop thinking about the tall man and his tiny pants
  35. Some of these guys have way too tight of pants. Like I am concerned that someone is going rip their pants later.
  36. So burgundy and navy suits are the theme tonight.
  37. Clare looks so bored.
  38. So Eazy’s pink jacket is gonna be like the Sisterhood of The Traveling Salmon Jacket on Hannah B’s season, right?
  39. Bubble boy?
  40. WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT MOON PIES ARE?
  41. HERE IT IS.
  42. DALE MY BOY.
  43. “I knew it” – yeah bitch you’ve been able to stalk him on social media for the past 3 months.
  44. I feel like the producers really edited the f*ck out of entrances because the only one that left a good impression for me was Dale.
  45. I am not that into this season as much as I usually am.
  46. Clare, you just wanna send the rest of the guys home? We all know you wanna jump Dale’s bones.
  47. Is this 3 hours long? Idk if I am gonna make it out alive.
  48. Great, the DC ex footballer is back. He talks dumb too.
  49. Guys, we all know the first impression is going to Dale.
  50. AH, the first dad!
  51. Also, trying to use his child as a pawn for getting the first impression rose. Savage.
  52. The new Tyler C is essentially this season’s Gossip Girl.
  53. GIVE US THE SECRETS.
  54. Nothing better than two men who love to tattle tale on each other.
  55. HAHAH the boys think there is going to be some real drama and Clare shuts them down real quick.
  56. This guy that “broke the rule” looks like he auditioned to be a backup guitar player in Nickelback.
  57. DALE? Let’s be real, is anyone surprised? Well, besides the Nickelback guy.
  58. Guys, I hate to break it to ya but the dramarama twins are definitely NOT going home tonight.
  59. Nickelback bitch is safe. He looks like a whiny kid.
  60. Eazy is coming back. So is his pink blazer.
  61. Honestly, I hate baseball and I think I would rather be watching the playoffs than this bullsh*t.
  62. “I’m one and done here” Sir, you are one and done because you have a star tattoo behind your ear.
  63. Starboy is safe. And so is the deep V guy too apparently.
  64. “Do you know who my dad is?” guy is coming back. And so is his scarf.
  65. Is Yosef ok? I would not compare him to a real life Ken doll….
  66. LOL how the hell did you pick Yosef over Tyler C!
  67. Maybe see you in paradise, Tyler C?
  68. “This is not a secret. I’m here to fall in love” YES THE WHOLE WORLD IS AWARE, CLARE. We have had this shoved down our throats since March.
  69. Anyone else feel like this season premiere was not as exciting as they usually are? I think I would have rather taken a driver’s ed course than watch that premiere again. See yall next week. Woof.