Meet the Jockeys
DGD( Daddy Gum Drops)- Mistaken for Rudy more times than not, Meet DGD. When DGD isn’t struggling with his weight, non-existent sex life and cubicle lifestyle, you can find him reliving the dream in bottom tier Beer League. Wild women, impeccable charm and phenomenal hair are attributes he is seldom known for. However, DGD is known to abuse his liver, further digress his work career and demolish coffee tables when the Washington Capitals are on.
The Beast– Just your typical run of the mill 225 pound man, living life one pizza slice at a time. When not raising his cholesterol, he enjoys brief walks to the local Wendy’s. Find the Beast traveling the globe protesting cauliflower and the KETO cult. The Beast exercises his right not to exercise strictly because The Diet Starts Tomorrow.
Belly Boo- With the body proportions of an ogre, Belly Boo serves as Office Jockeys competitive Eater. Training with 5 square meals a day, Belly Boo pushes himself to new horizons each and every meal. When he’s not clogging his arteries, you can find him drunkenly peeing his pants.
Jonner Cones- A former JV All-Star, turned pencil pusher. These days you can find him crunching numbers hunched over in his cubicle, and by numbers we mean minutes until the almighty 5:01 p.m. strikes. In his spare time Jonner enjoys singing out of tune, developing new hangover remedies and rearranging his Stevie Nicks shrine. Jonner is often mistaken for Ellen DeGeneres.
Dusty Cummings-Dusty, the 25 year old virgin, writes solely in our Sexless In Seattle section. If we’re being honest, the section is an autobiography of his life. Dusty spends most of his time researching ways to crack the rubik’s cube that is women. From Tinder, Bumble, to Hinge, Dusty has left no leaf unturned when it comes to breaking his everlasting dry spell. Better luck next year Dusty.
Uncle Ant- Easily the most elderly and abnormal of the group, Uncle Ant serves as the father figure for Office Jockeys. Find him on the streets protesting “Big Brother” while preaching his conspiracy theories to the youth of America. Uncle Ant writes primarily under our Conspiracy section. Only the most open minded readers should venture into that realm of dementia.
Silent Riot– Introducing the King of the Cubicle. Good looking enough to get dates, awkward enough to ruin all of them. Should have been fired a long time ago but somehow got promoted to management instead. Basically he’s just your average young professional looking for the perfect caffeine fix and a way to avoid turning thirty.
Aunt Ray– Filling in as the mother of the group, a mother fueled by White Claws and well Tequila that is. Ray serves as Office Jockeys Picasso, drawing and designing everything from scratch all while intoxicated. When Ray isn’t playing with crayons, she aggressively scares off the local public while rooting on her Virginia Tech Hokies.